YTA

My mom committed suicide and the suddenness of it was traumatizing. I never got a chance to get information like recipes from her. I think in general it also made me fearful for sudden trauma, as bad as it is it makes way more sense emotionally to see someone get sick and fight to make the most of it then to just suddenly be gone.

I also think you have fooled yourself into believing this is noble and you are protecting them but it’s really a self serving interest because you are afraid to see them hurting from this and mourning you, which is unavoidable by the time this is all over, your just leaving them to do it alone. You are giving yourself time for closure and robbing your loved ones of it.