Reading what you've written is like reading a description of what I'd write to explain the way I feel, it really is that similar. Professionals have said to me that other people suffer the way I do, I didn't really think much of it because I've never been able to find others that understand or that can comprehend what it is like to be suffering like this.

I've considered giving up many times, on a few occasions I have left a note in a place that would be found if I didn't return and went out for a walk, I've felt like I'd decide whether to end my life while out walking. The thought of going into a hospital doesn't really help, the thing I've realised is that psychiatrists can't just fix the issue, mental health isn't like a tumour, they can't just cut it out. I will speak to the psychiatrist and ask her if I have a mood disorder as I may have that. I've spent the better part of the past few years reading every psychiatry/psychology and mental health book under the sun so I've covered a lot and I've read self help books as well, but it's impossible for me to diagnose myself, so I will definitely mention it to her.

I was raised by my Gran (my fathers side), my Mothers side of the family all suffered from mental health problems. My Mothers Mother wasn't a good woman (she was evil [cruel, nasty, violent, etc.], she was a manipulator and an abuser, all her kids suffered with mental health problems - two dead through suicide [my Mother and my Uncle], some went to prison and others are in/out mental hospitals). My Mother was raped at the hands of her mothers boyfriend/partner, when my Mother told her mother what her bf had done she threw her out and stood by the man. Before my Mother killed myself she wrote a letter to my Gran (fathers mother, the one who raised me) and she said in the letter that she was ending her life for a number of reasons, she mentioned what her Mothers bf did to her and she told my Gran to keep me away from her Mother. My Mother also felt guilty for not being a good Mother to me. I don't blame her, at the end of the day she was a vulnerable young girl who suffered years of trauma, it's not really any wonder her life ended up that way. I feel sick when I think about my Mother's life, I try not to think about it.

I was an inquisitive kid and I found the suicide letter when I was aged 13, which is how I know that she was raped, my Gran reluctantly filled in a lot of the blanks. The Gran who raised has been decent and caring towards me, she has really done everything she can. I feel bad at times because I've failed and let her down. I'm told that I am intelligent and when I was in school the staff would say things like "you'll go far in life", "you'll get a good job", etc. In reality I leave the house to go to a community mental health centre and that's about it, I go to the shops every now and then, when I do I work myself into a state. I feel sick with guilt as I should be able to do more, but I know I need to stop punishing myself and blaming myself. I'm compassionate to others, but to myself I'm very cruel and constantly putting myself down.

Thank you for what you said, I really appreciate that, knowing there are others out there suffering too isn't good, but in a way it is nice to know I am not alone.