So, here’s some encouragement that it’s better on the other side.
My husband was married to his ex for 19 years before he finally pulled the plug. And he said they’d stopped getting along 6 months in! They barely knew each other when they got married and they didn’t have much in common to even start, and the divide got worse and worse as the years went in.
They’d actually started divorce proceedings at the sixth month mark (this was back in the early 80s) but family pressure kept them together. And then 2 years later they started having kids. People had told them having a baby would make them closer and they believed it … It didn’t. Things between them got worse and more empty. He said he felt like he was working a job being married to her.
He hated being at home with her, so became a workaholic and avoided her as much as possible. He’d take the kids out and do things she hates just so that she wouldn’t come along (and she usually stayed home). Meanwhile she grew more frustrated and resentful because he wasn’t who she wanted him to be (she was very much about outward appearances and trying to pretend they were something they weren’t whenever in front of other people). When they were together with outside company, he would just go along with it so that he wouldn’t have to deal with her shit later at home.
Well, his apathy towards her and her greed for his paycheck kept the marriage going. A few times he’d say, ok enough. But every time time he’d say it was time to separate, she’d start going on and on about all the money they’d spend divorcing and would convince him to stay. It was purely transactional for her, and she didn’t mind pointing it out.
In addition to being phony, she is a really short tempered and judgmental person, and he and his kids say she was just always yelling and putting him and other people down. Everyone was stupid, no one was a good as her. He ultimately put up with her because he didn’t want to uproot the kids, not realizing that they were being damaged by it, too.
Then one day shortly, after hitting 40 (he guessed his midlife crisis kicked in), they had a fight about something and he finally had enough. He up and moved out that weekend. She tried so hard to force him to come back…threatening him, trying to sweet talk him, trying to get extended family to turn on him…but he held firm. She was always bad mouthing him to everyone at that point. But he decided he didn’t care and kept going.
It did shake things up financially a bit, but lucky for him, she insisted he buy out her half and keep the house and their three kids (which he was thrilled about) so that she could move out and be a bachelorette “to teach him a lesson”. She apparently didn’t realize she’d owe child support…so any alimony she thought she was going to get was a wash. Lol, she was NOT happy about that. So then she started dating a guy from work and within a couple of months moved in with him “to share expenses”. Maybe six months after that, she up and married him at city hall without telling anyone. “It’s not a big deal, it’s just to save money,” she had told their teen daughter at the time…who was pretty upset about not being included. Well, that marriage nullified the alimony order…which she also hadn’t realized would happen…so now she did owe child support, but refused to ever pay it, “because it’s ridiculous. I don’t care what the divorce agreement says,” she’d said.
Meanwhile, while that train wreck went on, he and I had started dating, got married 6 years later, and just recently celebrated our 13th anniversary.
He says the initial break up was difficult for the first six or so months while the legal stuff was sorted out and the dust settled. But once he’d made the decision, and really started moving forward with it, he saw a light at the end of the tunnel where he could finally relax and be happy instead of walking on eggshells. And that kept his motivation to be free of her going.
And then once he and I were together, he was relieved and happy to finally be able to show his kids what a healthy relationship looked like. The kids (all adults now) all have said that yes, it was a little rough transitioning when they first separated (and one kid had a slightly harder time with it than the others), but once their parents were living apart, they realized what it was like to finally have a peaceful home. And they were all happy he was happy when he met and married me and their lives were better afterwards, and they love their mom but they’re happy we have them the stable home to grow up in. She’s still married to the other guy, and they don’t get why he stays with her because she’s just as mean to him as she was to their dad. They said the guy is like a ghost in their house. And everything is always her way (so she’s happy as a clam), and he never says a word.