I was thinking how of course if one is attracted by something, one wants to have it as part of one's own body as well, that everyone probably thinks this.

Also: Trying to find the Perfect Romance with someone who should be exactly the person I wanted to be, except also the sex I was not assigned at birth. Feeling I must merge with this person to be complete, obsessing a lot over this.

This resonates with me. I wonder if people really do think that way or if it's dysphoria. I've always been near obsessive looking for the prettier attributes and things I like best in a woman, photos online and otherwise.

Recently its become more pronounced, but I feel like I've always wanted to be instead of just, y'know, not be.

On the flipside I know it'd be a ton of trouble, money, effort and heartache too to reach any of it. Just that alone heavily keeps me from pursuing anything.

I wonder if I'll look back in ten years and wish I would have done differently. Thoughts like that mix me up like a mofo. Maybe its all just in my head.