I understand completely. And I vacillate between thinking I'm a feminist or not.
At the moment I'm veering towards not. Simply because I don't agree with the central tenet of the patriarchy bring the primary cause of ill on the world. For the same reason, I don't think of myself as a socialist. However I do agree with and desire a lot of the outcomes of both feminism and socialism. Each according to their ability, to each according to their need. Irrespective of gender, social class or ethnicity & culture. But I struggle to agree that's it's either just the rich or the patriarchy that are the problem and therefore neither theory works for me in it's entirety.
I'm not a nationalist for other reasons.
Moreso, I've been considering whether I even consider myself to be an ally to women or people from black and minority ethic backgrounds. Not because I don't want to see a society that is equitable and fair for them, but rather that I'd like to find a personal ethical framework and way of behaving that is holistic enough to ensure that I'm able to enable all people within my sphere of influence to be able to achieve their best. Not being blind to gender, race and other identities, but finding an approach and philosophy that works for all.
I don't want to be an ally. I just want to be a good person.
I'm a white middle aged man who got to go to university and never had any major hurdles thrown in his career path. Therefore I consider it weird to think of myself as an ally. My job is surely instead just to use my position of relative power to make life easier for people who have a harder time of it than me. And also to keep my mouth shut in discussions that I'm never going to fully understand.