I'll take your word for it, but I've been in that cycle myself, as well as watching my sisters go through it multiple times, and my mother, runs in families, etc.

My experience and those of my family is that (with a few exceptions) is that the gentlemen doing the abusing didn't really realize that they were scrambling for control until after the relationship was over. It was more of a "push buttons" situation with all my ex-BILs. Maybe because we all grew up in an abusive household, in order to upset us (reach us) they had to go to extreme heights. In a couple cases I watched that slide from the outside and SWORE that I wouldn't ever end up in that situation myself.

Spoiler: I totally ended up in a verbal/emotional version of that situation and convinced myself it was different because there was no physical abuse. The big difference between my relationship and theirs is that their SOs absolutely refused to do therapy and mine refused initially and then eventually agreed and then slowly realized that the way he handled conflict was super messed up and (with LOTS of separate therapy for both of us and couples counseling and depressants) has begun to change his ways. Short of leaving, my situation is a "best case" scenario, and rare as all hell. Most of the abusers I've met aren't willing to stop, concede that the situation got out of their control and they need to learn control, and then get over themselves long enough to get help and change.