I have complex-PTSD, marijuana has always made my PTSD worse, except when I can manage to focus completely on something that I'm really connected with (art or code, typically, it's like a lack of conscious awareness).

I don't know if it's because the paranoia tends to exacerbate all the fear feelings I have (from being afraid of breaking the law), which triggers related memories I tend to suppress and this tends to cascade and collapse within itself like a giant black hole of suffering and shame feelings. So I don't use it.

I've tried maybe 30 different kinds of antidepressants, sleep aids, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics (just abilify and I got off that really fast because it's terrible), and this is also in conjunction with ADHD medications and other stuff, whatever they have cycled through diagnosing me with based on whatever subselection of data I manage to remember over the course of 15 years.

Nothing really helps. My trauma tends to worsen when I isolate and I gravitate towards finding anything that makes me feel different, like now I take diphenhydramine to fall asleep with on top of 5 different psych meds.

When I was in the last counseling program they made me go through this whole dual diagnosis addict thing and no one really addressed any trauma I've been through. I've been in and out of systems like this for close to 10 years, and I feel most of the time lately like actually find an effective way to commit suicide, except I really can't handle thinking about how much it will physically hurt, or if I wind up with brain damage.

It just feels like a black hole that keeps getting worse and eating me up inside and there's nothing I can do. I just lately can't tell if I feel so horrible about myself because of all the social stigma related to anything I can try that might help. I hate throwing my time and money away in therapy and inpatient care that either turns out to be a more traumatizing disaster or winds up with me basically paying to find someone to agree with me.

I wish it actually seemed like people really cared about helping people who are suffering, instead of trying to control them because they think they know better than the individual knows for themselves. I know I've been wrong in a billion directions I've tried to go in my life, but I hate feeling this constant weight of wanting to end it.