Hey Emma, your questions are very much appreciated. Here are some thoughts:

• I have thought before about this one. At first, I thought keeping tormented people around, helped me feel useful and needed, although it does relate to the superiority complex somehow, for I ended up trying to become a mother or mentor figure , which implies at least some sort of intrinsic necessary wisdom to “lead” others into making positive changes in life.

And this worked at some point for people did come to me for advice, and people did made me feel important to confirm my grandiosity. The shift for me started to happen about two years ago. Before that I had already experienced what some may call narcissistic colapse. All of this year I got the experience to start being in front other human being not merely trying appear wise, but actually letting my ignorance become apparent, my doubts, my own fragility. I feel relieved in some ways for it feels more truthful, although I also feel I have lost my direction.

Then, On the other hand, I feel that I identified with tormented people for I experience a very powerful drive towards melancholia. I have sometimes asked myself if I enjoy my own suffering. Am I masochist? I have sincerely found I don’t enjoy others people suffering. I’m only frightened that if they are healthy enough my own lacks will become more apparent and I’ll end up alone. However, I appreciate it when tormented people are willing to take their happy mask off, for it gives me the freedom to take mine off too.

• I’m afraid if I justify evil actions, I’ll end up being abused or being abusive. I think people almost never hurt others just for the sake of it, and I think this might be naive on my part. On one hand, I have forgiven someone who insulted me very badly one night just because I sensed he was suffering, and so I tried my best to made them feel loved. In my mind I think: he is saying this out of fear.

In a place of my heart, I’ve also found that I get pleasure imagining my loved one suffering my absence, just because in my distorted self , I feel this would make me feel important to him. Of course these are fantasies, but I have in the past applied silent treatment to feel the pull of being missed whenever I felt fear of abandonment (I must say this was automatic, I didn’t speculated about this, and I wasn’t aware this was exactly what I was doing) .

• How I was raised. Both my parents are narcissists. I did not “google” diagnose them. My father was actually diagnosed by a therapist. My mother wasn’t but once I started my own psychoanalysis, this was brought up by my therapist. Still, I don’t want to read everything through pathology jargon, in the end: father was absent. Left when I was nine, then came back for a few dramatic episodes that ended up in tears. Mother switched from perfect mother to evil witch. She was hurtful, she threatened with self harm all the time, she made me feel inadequate, she would threaten to hurt us both (don’t want to get too graphic here), she would wake me up in the middle of the night yelling, and at the same time she would call me her reason to live and savior, and affirm that everyone was envious of me. I had to become her caretaker in many ways, although she in some others tried to do everything for me to keep me dependent on her.

Things got better when I moved out of her house, and now we get along, talk on the phone, but she will never acknowledge the past, for she is convinced she practically portrays the sanctity of motherhood and presents herself that way before the whole world.

Thank you for taking the time to read me.