I have my own experience with sort of like an internal monologue but what I can say is I had a very strong emotional moment just last Thursday praying for life in post apocalypse. I did not know anyone else really experienced this. I felt that there was a lie so deeply entrenched in our world that only total societal collapse and the need to fight for survival could possibly uproot it.

I feel that, very often, I have to be a totally constructed manifestation of myself, and that the real me stands behind this manifestation, as a facade, often trying to regulate myself to be acceptable. It's not always I have to do this, some situations are natural and easy, others could not be more the opposite

later in the afternoon of the day I had the above experience there was a large fire at mile high stadium, just 15 minutes away from my house, which I was a little put off to hear about at the end of the day when I watched the news

I went out to drive in the mountains for the rest of that day, and started to think that maybe society is not so bad, it seems like some good things come out it, even if these goods are not given to everyone, but I do not know if I can make peace with that. That some are so well taken care of, while others are neglected and growing in their enslavement to a machine they never wanted, and that does not love them

I also felt guilt for having wanted the world to end, and to get to fight for life I also have felt that a war was coming, but I don't think it had yet

If I may,, What inspires your desire for apocalypse ?