From the Art of War
By now Sun-Tzu was well-renowned for his uncanny ability to find an open parking space in any weather and at any time, even during the weekday afternoon meal period. Sun-Tzu recounted to several generals his adventure in the Great Northwest.
At this time an emperor whose territory was small, but incredibly wealthy, invited Sun-Tzu to his palace and declared he would ensconce the famous strategist as his Traffic Guide in Chief but only after he demonstrated his prowess.
Sun-Tzu agreed. He requested 20 of the emperor's most favored interns and 20 Zip Cars for his demonstration.
When the personnel and vehicles were assembled in the palace courtyard, Sun-Tzu addressed them: "A scrupulous Chief ensures his subordinates are well-versed in the regulations of parking."
Thus he explained: "A red painted curb signifies no parking, or even stopping your vehicle at any time; this is dangerous ground with no benefit, continue without a second glance. A yellow painted curb signifies a commercial parking zone. You do not have a permit, so do not park in those grounds. A white painted curb signifies a three minute passenger loading zone. Do not tarry longer than the allotted time. A curb painted in colors alternating red and yellow signifies a transit zone, steer clear always of those treacherous grounds. A narrow strip of pavement next to the curb painted green signifies a bicycle lane. This is the most dangerous ground. Do not pause, even for just the minute it takes to nip in and buy a latte. The bicyclists are small in number, but consider them elite forces put forth as bait. They possess helmet-cams and will post your travails to the internet. This is battle you cannot win, even with the intercession of trolls."
Sun-Tzu asked the interns if they understood the parking regulations. As one, they responded that they did, then embarked at top speed without signalling as they exited the courtyard.
Sun-Tzu was soon informed that the interns had failed their mission. Only one of them had parked correctly, but failed visit the pay station.
When they had returned, Sun-Tzu assembled them once again and announced: "A scrupulous Chief ensures his subordinates understand the rules for parking on the street." He explained the rules once again.
Sun-Tzu announced: "Because I have explained the rules and you agree to understand them, penalty for failure is beheading.
The emperor told Sun-Tzu: "These are my most beloved interns, they come from wealthy and influential families! I will not allow this."
Sun-Tzu explained: "You agreed to my conditions. A scrupulous Chief is allowed to disregard the orders of his Master who is not present and does not understand the disposition of forces on the field of battle."
Once again the interns roared off without merging properly or signalling as they turned from the courtyard.
Once again they failed to obey the rules of parking. Three of the interns parked in bicycle lanes and engaged angry cyclists in heated confrontations. Once again, Sun-Tzu was informed of their failure.
When they returned, Sun-Tzu selected the emperor's most favored intern and ordered him beheaded. The emperor pleaded for his life.
Sun-Tzu said; "A scrupulous Chief always makes good the consequences he has promised. But in this case I understand the expectation of compliance with parking regulations in your empires is silly as obedience lessons for cats.
"How may I repay you?" The emperor enquired.
"You most certainly have breweries. Do you have something that's not over-hopped?"
"I have a pilsner whose tang is sharp as the first breath of a frozen winter morning before dawn. I also have a malted with a wonderful mouthfeel and a hint of grapefruit. I shall reward you with a wagon load of each!"
Sun-Tzu agreed and departed with his fee.
After Sun-Tzu concluded his tale, the generals remarked: "This is beyond our comprehension. Why did you not also demand a whiskey chaser?"