Dear Reddit,
Today I shall begin our relationship together (first Reddit ever) by telling one of my favorite true stories. But first, allow me create for you a setting. To begin, I will explain that I live in the US on the border with Mexico. I mean real close..I can see it from house. This proximity to our spicy southern neighbors wouldate many interesting opportunities for those adventurous (dumb) enough to look for them. The city in Mexico was the playground for all our youthful debauchery. It was like a dirty, stinky, little Vegas, for local ( go fuck yourself out of town fratboys) children tall enough to see over the bar, as long as they held crisp (they could be in thirteen pieces actually, they didn't care) American greenbacks. Sadly this is not really the case anymore (9/11, Patriot Act, ICE, DHS), but i digress. I was 23 at the time of this story. New Years Day. The cactus was angry that day, my friends. My group of friends for this particular evening in Mexico included a girl I shall call, Bubbles. Bubbles' younger sister, Bulma, had just returned from a year long student exchange trip in Europe. I had seen her pictures. I was a man on a mission. Bulma and Bubbles' father is a former Mayoral candidate(lost) in this Mexican city and a current defense attorney. Girls we born in the US but private schooled in Mexico. After manyhours of getting hammered like idiots I found myself sitting in a dark corner both at one of the bars with Bulma. We were making out like wild animals and as I glanced over I made eye contact with the grinning toothless visage of a Mexican police officer. He was sitting about five feet away chilling out watching me finger this girl under her skirt. I figured I had better mosey on. Dude high fives me as I walk by and then smells his fingers and laughs. Whatever. By this time it turning into brawl thirty out on the streets as it does any great weekend in Mexico full of bikers and frats who think going to Mexico makes them edgy until they realize the local Americans are fucking crazy. We quickly hightail it to our car which is parked along the stree a few blocks down, being guarded all night by my man Pepe for a few dollars. Smell terrible as usual Pepe and I don't think even the Mexicans can understand you. But it is all good, the car is there in one piece. The girls decide I should stay at their parents house in Mexico. It is too dangerous to drive home they say. Cool, I love sleeping in Mexico. Makes me feel like Neo waking up outside the Matrix in the morning. I end up in their living room with Bulma and we are making out on the cfouch. She asks me if I have a condom and of course I don't that would make kinda responsible and smart. So she goes up the second floor and rips a Korean condom off of her exchange student jacket they pin stuff on from different countries. I swear this thing felt way small and I don't wear magnums or anything. Weird Asian condom. we are start having sex and after a while I guess I hit a few good notes because she started screaming in German over and over. Next thing I know Papa Mexico turns on the light and just stands their, GLARING at me. HE CAN 't SEE ME I I DONT MOVE RIGHT? Fuck, thats dinosaurs in J1 but not J2. Bulma jumps up and puts on my shirt. That'll help. Papa Mexico turns around and hauls ass back upstairs. Why is he going up there?....is what I was thinking ass I man handled their Fort Knox solid metal front door open. What do I see that I didn't notice coming in because the gate was open and I'm stupid? A twelve foot solid fucking wall and the gate is locked! I can't get out! Fuck it, I saw it in a move once so I tried to ninja jump offthe corner, up onto the wall. It worked because I have my don't end up in a ditch in Mexico adrenaline going.
At this point I realize I am in a gated community several miles from the border. On foot. No shirt. I am getting paranoid at this point. Surely Papa Mexico already has sever hit squads after me by now and there only one way out this fucking gated community. So I decide to duck walk between the shrubs and the wall heading towards the gate. Everytime I see headlights (4:30 am) I panic and dive onto the ground. Every time. Why are all these cars out this late?? Eventuall I make my way onto the main road without incident and I start jogging what I think might be north along the rode. After a while I decide to just walk and look like this snow white shirtless gringo belongs walking down this sidewalk in Mexico at 4:45 am. I own this sidewalk for the next hour or so until I can finally see the light of the border bridge. I pay my dollar fitty to the Mexican dudes manning the toll both, cross over to the US side, and walk three miles to the nearest truck stop. Call my dad. Sleep warm in my bed. Bulma and I have no been together for 8.5 years and married for 2. Love of my life.
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