My parents and 1/2 of my siblings are ACTUALLY dead. I went through a few years of guilt and grief. One of my siblings is still alive, but he's toxic and we are VLC at best.

The guilt and grief were intense for a few years when all the dust settled, not gonna lie. I had about 4 years afterwards where life was really kinda good! The sun was shining, our roses were gigantum! The dog was joyous, the cats slept on our foreheads. Hubby and I were solid and tight. I mean? Really good.

Right now? I'm having trouble not engaging my last brother. For the last four years? Every time he calls? He hurts me. I keep hanging up.

Losing your family is hard, OP, no two ways around it. But!!

I have built NEW family. New friends, new partners, new sisters. It takes time and fuc%king effort. I'm going swimming at a beautiful lake this weekend! Wine and bonfires! Just wen everything seems setteld and mostly good?

I Know! I Know!!!! That when the coroner's deputy comes to my door to tell me my brother is at last at peace? It will fuc&ing hurt. I will ache with guilt for his wiofe and four children and 3 grandkids. I will spend five more years? And then I shall be fuck*ing FREE.

My only fear then will be losing my husband. 30 years of stability. When I lose him? I chose to be gone.

Pardon--I am slightly tipsy. I shall delete when I am sober.