Why does entertainment/fun always revolve around food? My best friend asked me to go to the movies and I said yes because I always feel bad about saying no. She bought popcorn and I dug right in like the pig I am, I promised myself I wouldn’t purge for the rest of the month so now I’m lying in bed unable to sleep because of how full and disgusting I feel. I’d been doing relatively well, restricting but not too low, and I went and ruined it. I feel like shit, physically and mentally, and she invited me over to her house tomorrow and I’ll probably cancel like a shitty friend because I just want to eat healthy and restrict in peace and I have no self control.

On another note, does anyone struggle with trying to out-eat people?? Like I know a lot of people don’t eat in public, but whenever I’m with friends I stuff myself and lose all self control. I usually purge, but I’m pretty sure I’ve hurt my stomach and I’m trying my best to take a break. I think it all goes back to establishing some form of fucked up superiority, like “look at me, I can eat more than you and still be skinnier”, except I realise why I do it, I realise my friends don’t care if I’m skinnier (this particular friend is bordering on overweight and gaining, calls herself ~curvy~ and eats and drinks like she had the magical metabolism she claims to have), and yet I can’t stop myself.

I’m crying in bed, sick of not having self control and ready to never leave my house again. It’s been probably two months since I’ve lost weight, I can’t exercise anymore (no motivation or energy) and overall, it’s been a terrible day.