On one hand maybe I'll finally go back to university in a few weeks after breaking down and hospitalising myself every semester for five years. Took some time off to clear my head. All it really did was give me time to appreciate that the girl I thought I'd spend my life with left me for my own good, she didn't just abandon me. So may as well keep trying or all that sadness was for nothing.
I haven't left my house for five days, lost an amazing job because I'm a very experienced casual vs the younger workers they can get in on a contract for probably 60% of the cost. No salt, no blame, that's just how it is.
I've rebuilt my relationship with my parents over the last few years but when I was in hospital a couple of months ago on a suicide OD it wasn't certain I was going to live so my housemate panicked and called my parents and told them I have a heroin addiction. Then avoided me like the plague until she moved out a few weeks later. My parents haven't looked at me or talked to me the same way since and it's like a part of me that I thought would always be constant has died and I've never felt so alone.
Recently a pretty good psych managed to get me to open up for the first time in my life, he suspects rapid cyclic bipolar disorder. I thought a diagnosis would give me something to build on but when I looked it up people like me are rarely happy, they die alone, poor and unsuccessful.
Ten years ago teachers told me I was one of the brightest they'd ever met and I thought I'd be in medical research or physics. Now I want to die every day but I hang around so other people won't be sad if I go. Every time I smile, every time someone gives me a ray of happiness I know I'll want to die again lying alone at 3am. I haven't gone more than a few hours without thinking of death in years. I'm so tired.
Sorry for the rant on a 10 hour old thread but I haven't spoken to anyone more than necessary in days and it feels good to have a cry sometimes.