I've never actually posted anything on here before but I am having a terrible day today and I'm hoping maybe writing about my situation here will help. I suffer from severe anxiety/panic attacks and insomnia which more often than I'd like to admit is followed by serious depression. Lately things have been looking up, I got a new job and my absolute dream girl has seemed to take at least a moderate interest in me over the past couple months (it could be more than moderate but my lack of self esteem constantly has me doubting what is going on). We talk all the time and I want so badly to ask her on just one date but I can never seem to work up the nerve. All of that however was going to change, the job I got started today and I finally feel like I would be able to spoil her the way she deserves so I've been telling myself all week that I am going to suck it up and ask her (I've missed the first few opportunities this week but I haven't given up yet). Then last night happened, I could feel the anxiety setting in as I tried to go to sleep and as every hour passed I would look at the clock and become more and more depressed about the fact that I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. Sure enough, my alarm went off this morning and I hadn't slept one minute. I was so tired and nervous, I tried to have a shower but all of a sudden the worst panic attack I've ever had in my life hit me. I honestly debated going to the hospital, no matter what I did I couldn't calm my breathing or pulse down. Finally I broke down and messaged my new manager, I said I was sick because I'm far too embarrassed to tell anyone what is really going on. Everything is fine with the job and I can start tomorrow, but it makes me so depressed knowing that no matter what I do I just cannot shake these burdens that constantly cause doubt in my mind anytime something good is about to happen to me. It honestly makes me absolutely hate myself that I can't just be like everyone else when it comes to things like this, I don't understand why I am so nervous all the time. I'm sorry if this is sounds a little all over the place I am honestly shaking and nervous to be even writing this just incase someone I know sees it and figured out who I am.