I used to be a million times more unhealthy. I was raised a conservative Christian, which in my house, emphasized gendered roles and biblical-historical traditions, so my first "serious" relationship with my high-school sweetheart, and a succession of women after her were rife with my insecurity, my objectification of them, a gaping hole in my self-worth; thus, a desperate need for validation. I have a lot of childhood and formative-year traumas, and that translated into a long time through my twenties struggling to re-socialize and adjust, compiled with my de-association with my religious identity, and on the list goes. I genuinely am thankful, but regret that my growth came at the expense of some really amazing women. Each of them showed me something different, some version of strength, respect, empathy, sympathy, etc., that I didn't possess or know that I needed. But I kept searching for answers, and that is maybe my only credit in those. Rejection after rejection really hurt though, and then I met my most recent ex-girlfriend.

It was easily the longest and most serious. I am never remiss in mentioning how special she is to me. She always will be. But we allowed our problems to become cyclical, and bigger than our bond, connection, compatibility, and in her case, her commitment. We have always had it a little up and down, ranging from pretty bad to really good, and I've always tried to be brutally honest about them. I find strength in candid self-awareness and confronting, rather than running from, things like fears and personal or partnership issues. That's one of the only reasons I've been able to make the kind of progress in my own healing and mental health that I have. Loving her was the first time I felt like I was clear and unfettered by a lot of those old issues. For the first time I found someone who I loved all of, who I was willing to share a complete and total bond with. Suffering, sadness, joy, and levity... I would have continued to move forward, however slowly that might've appeared. But she deals with things differently, and after nearly six years, she decided the only thing that would help us is time.

I always was motivated by loving her, it helped me make breakthroughs with loving myself, and I loved sharing as many experiences and my life as possible. But I am still heavily burdened by depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. For all my determination through us being together, progress was slow. I had a breakdown the morning she decided to end it, and I think I was just looking to affirm our connection. I was committed to weather through whatever issues we had, together. That's how I see lifelong and enduring partnership, as a combination of factors that include the choice to continue to be interested and reaffirm your feelings and life together.

While I understand and respect our disagreement about ending it, she was exactly who I fell in love with, even in her decision. And I sympathize and empathize with her views, I mostly disagree with how she focuses on them. Ideas about the continuity and inevitability of change, particularly between people and situations; about the impermeability of the status quo, kind of going back to the change idea; and as it relates to hers, mine, and our issues, the impasse two people can find themselves at when it feels like effort isn't paying off. In her own way, she runs away, she ignores issues she doesn't have the wherewithal to confront, especially if she feels like she's confronted them and failed to solve them.

Where I disagree is on the fundamental ideology that stands behind those assertions. I have literally seen her overcome very unlikely circumstances through sheer determination, and in part it was validating of that same idea reinforcing my idealism toward our relationship. In essence, I know we could have overcome anything together, but it has to be a shared commitment to overcoming our personal and relational issues. But I can't find it in me to resent her much because all these differences also mean, in her own way, she is wild, untamed, a bit skittish, determined and resolute when making her decisions, etc., etc. She, and everyone, has a right to make decisions that attempt to help their lives fit and feel the way they desire. Frankly, I think even with all my own issues and contributing, I found being with her was much happier and productive toward me making my own progress, but I think she felt like she was carrying that burden, too. I feel, with her own issues, she needs to find someone she's willing to be idealistic for, to give herself over to, in a way. Maybe it will be me, it's tough to really say what our future holds, if anything. We are friends, and I still care about her deeply as a person, not in disregard of, but in light of what loving her revealed to me about her. And she might never be the kind of person that stands up to their issues. She's super adept at functioning with how she is, but I see in her something I feel in myself, and it's very lonely. If we don't ever get another opportunity to renew our feelings and relationship, I get it, so I have to count myself fortunate to have gotten to spend the time we did together. She was "once and a lifetime-special" to me, and I owe it to those feelings to go and be happy in the way I know how, and to support and wish her the same.