I've been bullied pretty bad since (some elementary &) middle school, which caused me some depression and slipping grades in 8th grade. I was always a mostly A's, couple B's student. Up until the end of high school, i barely had a 3.0 GPA... I ended 8th grade with less than 1.0. For my senior project i visited my old counselor at the middle school. He automatically remembered me and said i was one of the most bullied kids he's ever counseled, then asked how i'm doing. I told him my GPA and where i applied to college and he was so proud of me. I really went a long way. I was hopeful that things would get better at uni. That i would have a future just like everyone else. I was excited.
I was denied. Every school i applied to. Denied. So i attended community college. For one year. It'll be two years in May since i've stopped attending school. I'm just too sad, doubtful, anxious, and just seemingly inept. I guess the depression really hit when i was 17. I went through terrible OCD in high school, and hypochondria. I developed dpdr on August 1st, 2014 after a bad dream. I haven't had a car since last April. I went to a couple therapists, and i find it's much too hard for me to open up. EVERYONE tells me to go back to school or else i'd regret it. ALL the time, EVERYONE tells me to go to school. But i can't. I just can't.
I'm not even partying, bro. I barely have any friends or social skills. I just go to my shitty job, go home, and isolate myself. Every week. I want to get help, but i'm not willing to spend $30 an hour just to sit in the chair and wonder where to start. One therapist thought my name was Natalie and kept looking at her watch. I told the front desk she was a bitch. Because she was. Then the one therapist i liked told me she was transferring to a crisis center, so she couldn't be my therapist anymore. I had a letter in my purse for her, telling her everything i couldn't seem to say out loud. I was going to give it to her, so i could start opening up more. But she had to go. I still have the letter, don't really know why. It's been over a year.
I want to follow your advice, and i know i'd regret it if i don't. I want to get into neuropharmacology. I want to get into counseling, psychology, science. I want to get into a field where i could potentially help people and make a difference. But i just don't feel well enough. I can't feel smart enough. I can't do it.
Congratulations on your paradigm shift. And don't be so shocked that your wife loves and supports you, and wants to be with you. You seem like a fantastic person. Thank you for making this post. Have a wonderful life.