Thank you :)

So during the love-bombing/idealization phase - he was amazing. Incredibly thoughtful, attentive, giving. He seemed to care about everyone, and do his best to be an overall valued and charming person. When we first met, he was pursuing a mutual friend of ours (we were all in the same grad school cohort) and I was happy with that, as I very firmly did not date and did not intend to (Indian Muslim parents, expected a semi-arranged marriage). I was also definitely not attracted to him physically, and allowed his attention because he was so wonderful about respecting my boundaries, and honestly didn't think things would go further bc of that lack of attraction.

At some point, our mutual friend broke up with him, and he acted on a few gestures towards her that to me that seemed natural and to repair the relationship back to neutral, but which the other girl did not accept, and seemingly split all our friends/made them choose sides, so to speak. I felt his actions were innocent, well-intentioned, and I chose him. The four months that followed, we were generally inseparable and as much like a couple that two people who weren't dating and were never in physical contact could be. He would occasionally disappear, but I didn't think much of it, as we weren't dating. We would drive into classes together, labs together, coordinate meal times, and text constantly. He would call it "husband/wife practice" and I was utterly confused. I told him it felt like we were in a relationship, but I wasn't going to be able to give him (and wasn't comfortable with) all the things a normal gf could give him. That it was making me feel guilty, causing anxiety. I had no idea at the time that many of the times he disappeared, it was to spend time with other women. He would hint that there were other women around, almost as if to gauge my reaction, and I was confused about what he wanted my role to be...I was happy to wing for him, but it always seemed like that wasn't quite the answer he was looking for. Through that whole period, he would subtley manipulate me to feel like I was failing him in some way - that he was a better friend to me than I was to him, and I wasn't quite making the cut. And yet, we were still spending most of our time with one another. He moved into my neighborhood about six months after our friendship began - presumably so we could "study" together, and moved again to a house around the corner when the first didn't work out. At some point during this phase, he talked about how he was "worried" about me that I didn't like hugging/touching people, and later on, that he was upset I couldn't physically comfort him, "when it would take so little" (I presumed hugging, massages, God knows what) Again, none of these seemed like warning signs at the time, because they all seemed to be directed at thinking of me, not him, and I ascribed it to his kindness.

When we got together, about nine months in - things that I had just attributed to poor communication as friends, and things that I didn't have a right to as a friend but DID as a girlfriend...became worse. He insisted that we should have a "secret" relationship, just in case we didn't work out and I wanted to preserve my reputation amongst my Muslim community. Again, I BOUGHT this, and believed it was again, him looking out for me. But he would go out of contact for hours at a time, spend excessive time in the company of other people and one woman in particular, and said she was a great networking contact, that he wasn't able to check his phone often because it was a secret relationship, that I just had to put up with feeling hurt or just not being communicated well with. The HOURS I spent trying to explain why these actions were hurtful or didn't make sense, or trying to adjust my expectations, or give him incredibly simple instructions for the bare minimum of communication...all of it was just too much to be believed. This lasted through a whole fall and winter. Our relationship still had major communication issues, but during that time, when we connected well, it was still pretty great feeling. I started finding myself doing more and more to give him the things he wanted - go farther in bed (was a virgin when I met him), buy him gifts, and give him information that allowed him to be connected to people and parties (the thing I was subconciously aware he valued most in life, but I didn't really understand was pathologically dysfunctional until I looked back on our conversations afterwards). Everything that I used to do independently, I made more and more about him, just in an effort to get the same level of love and attention he had showered on me when we were just friends. I didn't understand what was happening...I could sense I was being mistreated, but continued to attribute it to him focusing on his school/professional goals, and needing to connect with the right people in the right way.

The cheating. OH lord. This was right out of a sitcom. So a new cohort joins the grad school. We've been in a secret relationship for about ten months at this point, and while many people THOUGHT we were dating, we never confirmed it, or just denied it. A girl, hearing that he's apparently single (from another friend), begins pursuing him. I ask him, directly, if he's interested in her, and if he sees more of a future with her than with me, he should say so, and we should talk about breaking us off. He denies any romantic interest in her, vehemently, but continues to be "nice" to her. At the same time, we're having conversations about needing to be spending less time with each other so we can get more work done. I go to a family reunion, and come back sick, and am out for a week. We don't speak much that week, but that's not too out of the blue when sick. I go over to his house the following week, get physical, and two days later, this other girl invites us all to dinner. I'm the only one that shows up, which is fine. We're sitting in the restaurant, and she says, "You were right about your friend, he's really bad at communication. Don't tell him I told you, because we're trying to keep it secret, but we've been dating the last week and a half." Hah, I just about had a panic attack - I was basically being told I was being cheated on by the other woman. And instead of saying - WOW, that ASSHOLE, explaining the situation to her and why I was so upset -- I lied, said that it was hard because I only had a "crush" on him, and that I needed to go (to go confront him, and kick his ass, but I didn't tell HER that). Again, because it was drilled so deeply in my mind that secrecy was paramount. When I get home, he convinces me it's all a mistake/misunderstanding, that he had intended one of our "do more work" convos to be a breakup convo, and that sleeping with me two days before was just falling back into old habits, and an accident.

We got back together, I figured his indiscretion was a one-time/week thing, and stayed together for another five months, which really meant me spending many nights a week at his place (again, around the corner from my house, since he had moved to my neighborood) (during which time we also celebrated our one year anniversary - pictures, flowers, restaurant reservation, the whole works). I didn't remain too close with this girl, as it seemed she was having trouble letting go - would text and call him all the time, and I would get mad at him for continuing to be kind to her, but generally let him handle it. At some point, he got tested, and proudly showed off the results a few weeks later. We continued to be physical, generally unprotected.

Flash forward to a month ago (been broken up with Narc for a long time, and discarded about a year ago). This girl contacts me to say she's going to be in my city, and we should grab lunch. Let's just say that it comes out that he had been having unprotected sex with BOTH OF US for THREE MONTHS. Like, I'm still in shock about that. All of my wanting closure, depressed about what I did wrong, struggling through loss of this two year co-dependent relationship and wondering why we were not able to be friends any longer...and it turns out he was likely cheating on me with multiple women, one of whom is confirmed. Everything I attributed to relationship miscommunication (since he was such an amazing person to everyone else) was really just him being a manipulative dick. Every promise he made about us "being good to each other," "remaining friends" blah blah blah...was out the window as soon as I confronted him about the emotional rollercoaster he continued to lead me on every time a different narcissistic supply dried up elsewhere.

Your ex may be like mine - not a grandiose narcissist but a vulnerable narcissist. They aren't shitty. But they are empty. And somehow, I think dating a vulnerable narcissist is worse - at least with a grandiose narcissist, it's relatively easy to see they're an asshole. With a vulnerable narcissist....there's so much questioning. Of ourselves, our sanity, our reality. It sucked, it sucks, and will probably continue to suck. :/