Do you think your mom would understand if you talked to her about the things that are hurting? The anxieties about finding a partner, being successful in school, etc.? That could be a way to open a dialogue with her and get her help getting professional help without diving right into feelings about hurting yourself. It's not fun to thread the needle like that, but it could be a way to get the help it sounds like you need.

And sure, it's no problem. Honestly? I made the mistake of refusing to admit my intense feelings of self-hatred and anger to people around me. I hid them during high school and the two and a half years of undergrad I faked before flaming out magnificently in a way that must have looked to family and friends as "out of nowhere." I had been self-harming for a couple years at that time, I finally had a meltdown and admitted myself to the hospital. My parents had no idea I wasn't a normal, happy college kid. After that, I tried to be honest with myself about how terrible I felt and admitted I needed to stop just pushing it aside and get professional help, that I couldn't do it alone anymore. I was doing fine socially, I had a circle of close friends. However, it didn't mean a lot. Having all the friends in the world didn't make me feel any better because my problems were deeper than that. I also had girlfriends on and off at that time, and it was the same way.

Today I'm top of my class, have friends who I trust, am still working on the long term relationship thing, but I feel that that's normal. It hurt a lot to admit I couldn't do it all on my own and involved looking a lot of painful things right in the eye. I won't make dumb promises about it "getting better," but...I think it did?