[FEEDBACK] REQUESTING FEEDBACK ON A 2 MIN HORROR SHORT- GIGGLE
This comment was posted to reddit on Nov 27, 2019 at 10:25 pm and was deleted within 7 minutes.
[FEEDBACK] REQUESTING FEEDBACK ON A 2 MIN HORROR SHORT- GIGGLE
Names: You need to name your characters. Young Adult, New Young Adult, Kid, Same Girl, and Little Girl are all confusing. You need to name your characters, at the very least for the reader to be able to follow along with your story. And also keep those names consistent, because Kid became Same Girl then Little Girl.
Expand and detail: Your story read more like an outline or summary than a screenplay to be filmed. Expand on what the protagonist does and feels, e.g. for "Young adult CHECKS if the kid is ALIVE" is the actor supposed to be panicked, or eerily calm? Does the actor check for a pulse or just stare at the kid's broken body to see if they move?
You use three lines to end your story, i.e. FADE OUT, end credits roll, and THE END. You only need FADE OUT.
Don't include a title in the actual script, just give your script a title page at the beginning. Most screenwriting software allows you to include a title page, so check the one you're using. Your script should start with FADE IN and end with FADE OUT. There's no "end credits" or titles in the actual screenplay.
I like the idea that he turns his accident into murder and then is haunted by her.