Lol I’ve told it more than a few times in the community but it’s easy to go back there when you have so few memories to hold onto.
I met him just before I turned 40, and I’d had too many relationships/encounters beforehand to count. I’d given up on ever finding a life partner and decided to stick with casual stuff. So obviously the universe decided it was time for me to meet him. We dated for less than two months and and I think he knew before I did - I was stubbornly sticking with the casual script. But even when I first met him in person, I immediately thought that he looked the way that I felt deep down, and that if I were a man, I would be him. He was so stoic and still, with a deep gravity and a thousand yard stare. It turned out that he’s a combat veteran (which obviously has its effects...). I grew up in the military and happen to have PTSD/depression. We steadily learned more about each other and the syncs started piling up. Our mothers both moved to the same small city out west around the same time over 20 yrs ago. His aunt is in the same niche profession as I am. We have the same MBTI personality (INTJ), we like so much of the same eclectic mix of music, the same kinds of shows/films, the same literature (particularly classic Russian lit). He’s an extremely quiet, private man, but he warmed up to me - he had a way of wiggling a bit in his seat, while talking with me, breaking his super-still composure, that reminded me of a puppy - if he had a tail it would be wagging!
He’s a rugged guy I normally thought would be out of my league, tattooed and regularly practicing jiujitsu - I’m a nerdy creative type - but we were the same deep down - intuitive, anxious, craving peace and a space to just be. On our first night together we both dreamed of each other - he actually told me he dreamed that I had a twin (and he didn’t understand why I was acting the way that I did). I dreamed that his spartan apartment steadily overflowed with things and I couldn’t keep up with everything - including the fact that he already had a girlfriend. Prescient details, I came to find out. But it still took a while for me to begin to awaken. On our first actual dinner date he received a phone call in the restaurant that his german shepherd (his mother was looking after) had been hit by a car. He went so pale and we left the restaurant soon after. He took my hand briefly while we walked home but quickly let go and seemed to get lost within himself...
On another night I remember he made some throwaway comment - he asked for a list of my favorite books to read and we talked about browsing a used book store together - and I suddenly felt as if some well inside me had been filling to the top and finally overflowed, and I felt the world tilt and thought I was falling over...
Once he sent me some IG art sketch showing a person stuck in a pit reaching out to another person trying to throw a rope down to him. In the next panel you see the rescuer has hanged herself with the rope and the one in the pit is left weeping. It was obvious to me that my person was trying to communicate his emotional predicament and I needed to tread carefully.
I knew we couldn’t continue as we were, but I thought I had more time to approach the issue...
He came to my birthday dinner a couple weeks later and I saw that he seemed very ill - he was ashen, wooden. When he took my hand under the table he was soooo gentle it felt like I had been touched by a phantom and suddenly possessed/haunted. That was the actual moment that his presence settled into my mind and it has never left me. I knew something was very wrong. He excused himself early after dinner as he wasn’t feeling well and I asked to talk to him the next night - I fully intended to talk about us - but when I saw him again, he was still a million miles away... He told me that he’d dislocated his elbow at jiujitsu practice but hadn’t wanted to miss my birthday or have me worry. He was still in pain and not sleeping well, and said he was having trouble at work. So I put off “the talk” but stayed the night. He slept huddled into himself and I assumed it was because of his elbow. I had to leave early in the morning for work and I remember how far away and alone he looked in bed, still huddled into himself. He asked me if everything was all right, and I breezily told him to get some rest and we’d catch up later. I kissed his shoulder and left - that was the last time I saw him. I think about that moment a lot and have wished I could go back there and stopped acting so casual - I knew something was wrong and should have sat down and faced it squarely then.
After two weeks of him putting me off I realized he was attempting to fade out of my life. So I decided to be a big girl and write to him - I told him it was clear he didn’t think things were going to work and I would try to move on, but there was a pain in my heart that moment by moment left me breathless. I didn’t want to lose him...
He finally confessed that he had been dating someone before he met me; someone more traditional who expected a serious relationship. He and I had never talked about our expectations but we had met through this casual dating app so he assumed that’s all it was for me.... Anyway, things progressed with this other woman and he felt paralyzed with anxiety because he still wanted to see me...
I realized I had made a huge mistake not talking with him sooner, but didn’t want to interfere with his new relationship. Anyway, if I won him over, I wouldn’t want him to ever wonder “what if” with her - I wanted him free and clear, so I offered him my friendship and told him if his circumstances ever changed that I’d be around. We made plans to meet up with some of my friends... But he stood me up. That’s when I had a complete breakdown and went full-on into the chaser polarity. The thought that we couldn’t even be friends, that I would never see him again, that he was going to ghost me after all - I was going to lose my mind. I bombed him with texts, was crying in the middle of this bar, lol... He didn’t respond until I finally apologized and said goodbye... He said he couldn’t be friends with me because he would want more. He wanted me in his world, wasn’t sure what that would mean for the future, didn’t know how to find balance in his life... All he could do was shut down...