I lost 40k trading forex over 3 years and got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I have been paper trading for 3 years ever since and decided to try out for a prop firm I recently lost $250 for the evaluation fee and have realised I have to give up hope of doing this as a career. My only advice is that your life can get a lot worse and you can lose even more if you continue. As for the suicidal thoughts maybe you should reach out for some professional help.

You can stop. You got this. You're in this subreddit which is a good start.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you have an addiction, it is compulsive what you did. Set up safeguards to prevent it from ever happening again. Delete your brokerage account.