I learned a long time ago that every social interaction is about what you can get out of someone even if it's just someone to share your problems with so you don't feel like you're going through them alone. Almost everyone I thought was a friend was just someone who was victimizing me in some way or another and most people have no interest in who I am as a person. Only what they can get from me. The closer you are to someone the more you let your guard down and the more vulnerable you become. The people I've let get closest have done the most harm.

I've also had a few traumatic events that make it difficult for me to trust other people. All the normal stuff people go through like bullying aside. I think about a particular instance a lot where a close friend put a revolver against my forehead just above my left eye. At the time it didn't even really scare me. I just got calm and talked him down. That same person killed someone under the same pretenses about 6 months later and recently killed him self in prison. I watched this person build him self up to what he did over the course of 3 years and didn't understand what I was witnessing until it happened.

That isn't even the worst thing that's happened to me. I've had so many other severely traumatic events that sometimes people have had to point out whats normal and whats not. I've suffered a lot of emotional, physical, and financial abuse from the people closest to me. In some instances it was extreme. I was even maimed for life and need corrective surgery because I tried to walk away from an ex during an argument 7 years ago.

The only three friends I have are people I play games with online. Other than that I have a fiancee and one family member that I don't keep at distance. I don't trust her at all anymore either but I tolerate her being in my life because she is trying to better her self and fix her mistakes. She had a rough start too. Her friends tell me I need to hang out with people but I have no interest in it at all and typically just let her do her own thing. I've been through so much shit I just want peace in my life. The more people in it the more problems I have. It's as simple as that. It's a gamble to trust people and I'm bad at gambling so I don't gamble.