For those that realised they were transgender later in life (35+) what were your teens, twenties and thirties up to your realisation like?

A few months ago, 36, realized that there was another possibility than trying to play the part of a man anymore.

When I was a small child (until about 7 or 8) I used to get confused for a girl; this actually bothered me immensely and made me cry on occasion.

When I was around 9 I realized that I liked the idea of being a girl better; not because I liked "girly things" per sé but because girls were admired and treated nicely in general and seemed happy and liked to share their emotional side, which to this day I still do (share, encourage, and nurture people.)

Throughout my childhood I was beaten, punched, kicked, and whipped by my father because in his mind (he used to say things like this) boys are evil, you can't trust them, always up to no good, etc. All along while my sister was treated like a princess.

I've come to realize that my dad had psychological problems (and still does), but your upbringing affects you, and as much as you'd like to change what's in your own mind sometimes you can't; the seeds planted are too mature to simply weed out.

Around 15 I hit puberty, and I realized that testosterone was, that these hormones were hitting me, sexual urges, etc.

One thing that always bothered me though, is in my mind during masturbation, I always imagined myself as the woman. It made me think that something was wrong with me, but I always repressed that. I hated the thought I couldn't feel sexually excited any other way than that.

In my late teens I would cross-dress when no one was around; but I always felt shame. My parents found out about it once (by finding clothes in my room) but never said anything and I never talked about it lest I get punched or kicked by my dad.

I had a few girlfriends in my teens but nothing beyond some mild kissing ever happened.

I found myself to be very passive and submissive type, so beyond my first girlfriend all my other girlfriends since then (in retrospect) have been very brutish, mannish, or very much loner / desperate types.

Anyway because of my upbringing, I never considered myself gay (I don't feel that way, really) but I always just tried to be a guy the best way I knew how; and I thought women would approach me for just being me.

Well, that didn't happen so much, and I've not had a lot of girlfriends in my life because of this.

Mid 20's I got into the best shape of my life.

I lost my virginity at 24 years of age to a bitch lesbian girl who just "wanted a little dick" that night. I basically let her run the show and let her take charge. It was great but I felt ashamed of the whole experience.

Regardless I had a few girlfriends after that, another lesbian girl, then one of her acquaintances (who was kind of a loudmouth girl but straight.) she tended to take charge in the bedroom and we had a great four year relationship until she told me she was sick of me not acting like a man for her. I never quite understood this as in my mind I checked all the boxes, did my best to be the best man I could be, and yet it want enough.

Fast forward and a little over ten years later, here I am, after having another relationship end with a "take charge" kind of woman because I'm not acting like enough of "a man" for her either.

To this day to have sex, I still have to imagine myself as the woman; I still have to ignore that I have male genitalia; I don't "hate" the genitals, but it doesn't feel "right" to me for some reason.

I've realized at this point in my life, I may be a man, I may dress, have hobbies like, eat, sleep, and work like a man, but my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and morals are very feminine and I've been repressing them for far too long-- to the point where I realize I hate the person who I feel I have to pretend to be.

I just want to be happy? And the weird thing is I think I can be if I follow this path. It gives me anxiety but feels so freeing at the same time.

And the conundrum I have is, I'm not "gay," but God I wish I had been born and live as a woman. Things would have just matched up so much better. And the reason I say conundrum is, I think I would like men, but only as a woman; I think that would work for me. And yet it conflicts with everything I've ever convinced myself of growing up.

I haven't started hrt yet; I want to lose some weight first (even just a little) before I go that route. I'm scared about consequences of transitioning but I feel I've got very little to lose-- but if I'm wrong and have a lot to lose-- I could lose by not doing it.

Anyway sorry for being a little long winded, but I've needed to get this off of my mind for a while.

/r/asktransgender Thread