I'm alone on New Years tonight and I just wanted to vent.
2020 was really hard. I was assaulted Dec. 2019 and I still haven't fully processed what happened. The first person I told implied it wasn't a big deal. Recently I spoke to a friend who used to work at a women's center that she told me the first person you tell, and how they react, will color how you view the assault. It feels like everything sort of fell into place when she said that.
I cried with my therapist for the first time last week. I opened up about how angry I was toward my parents for being abusive, and she didn't have much to say, beside how it was my responsibility now to take care of myself. Blank screen neutrality is really triggering for me, and I'm still so angry at her for it. I just wanted someone to tell me I was justified in my feelings. I've been so upset that I don't know if I trust her anymore, and I want to stop seeing her. :/
I feel like I'm in this terrible catch-22 situation where I feel alienated from people bc of all my traumas, and it's causing me to self-isolate a lot. I have friends, but I frequently feel misunderstood, and while I think some of this is projection, it's so hard for me to step outside of those feelings. I just want to tell someone everything and for them to tell me that what happened – all of it – wasn't my fault. (I know all relationships are two-way streets, but I just don't know if I can accept that as truth re: my parents and the assault.)