Dude what the hell this makes so much sense. I’m almost certain I developed aphantasia after a year in college and experiencing intense culture shock and a new wealth of knowledge/interest in the universe and wondering the how/why of everything. I ditched the religion I was somewhat raised on. I latched on to Christianity very loosely growing up, but it still turned out to be a chunk of the foundation for my perspective on the universe. Freedom in college left me feeling paralyzed. I was so used to knowing my path and what was expected of me. In college, I had countless opportunities but I was never able to carve out a path for myself or find a passion I was super set on.

I also went from the funny class clown kid that never did drugs, drank, or even cussed in high school to a typical college student within that first year. I started drinking and smoked weed for the first time within that year.

That huge change in my self image, my new almost-nihilistic/atrophic/realistic/observation-based view on the universe, and an inability to find my footing and set out on a path in life really hit me all at once even though it slowly built up over that first year.

A traumatic even towards the end of my freshman year sort of set my aphantasia in motion. I blacked out one night from drinking and couldn’t recall anything that I had done in a 3ish-hour timeframe from the night before. The friends I was drinking with were the same way but this was slightly more typical for them so it didn’t impact them as greatly as it did me. I was shocked that I let myself drink that much and reach that point, I was literally traumatized thinking about myself existing and doing things but having no recollection of it. That event along with the other changes in my life led me to feel extremely apathetic and detached.

My aphantasia sort of started after that. I could never place my finger on what I felt exactly- I just new I felt slightly different in a negative way. Didn’t realize aphantasia played a major role in my new “feeling” until I found this subreddit. My ability to form images is so shoddy now. It’s blank if I focus on an image and extremely blurry if I’m relaxed and not focusing on it.

Before college, I remember having a somewhat vivid image in my head when I thought about and processed things. I remember playing a game with some friends where someone asked us to envision. a desert, then a storm in the desert, then a cube in the desert, and finally a horse in the desert. At the end, we all told everyone what our vision was. I still remember what mine was- a storm rolling in in the distance, a huge black cube, and a black stallion majestically riding up to the cube. It was some dumb game that was supposed to tell us who we would end up marrying or something like that. Nonetheless, that along with a few other memories remind me that I haven’t always had aphantasia.

Anyways, It’s been a little over 5 years since my freshman year and those major changes in my life- and I’ve coped with my newfound beliefs somewhat. I just found it extremely interesting that somewhat comforting that you said yours is worse when you cope with apathy and detachment- because that describes the intense emotions I felt when I feel like I first started experiment aphantasia.

Here comes a rant- this is how I still view the world and why I think I continue to struggle with apathy and detachment- along with aphantasia. I’ve only told this to my counselor and one friend. I don’t feel like I can articulate it well but would love others to chime in if they get through this convoluted rant.

It’s hard to not feel somewhat apathetic and detached when you are always aware of the scope of the universe and how little we actually know about what’s going on outside of our cosmic neighborhood- we hardly know what’s going on period tbh. Using the the scope of EVERYTHING as a backdrop then observing how human beings are living in the world today is straight up sad. A lot of us may be good people deep-down- I’m fully aware there are plenty of Ned Flanders out there in the world. But I’m also aware of how shitty, selfish, and corrupt many of the macro concepts that govern the population are- I realize I may not have worded that well. I’m just talking about how intertwined humanity is with the systems that run it. Economics, politics, governments, etc. Late-stage capitalism is terrifying to me and makes the struggle to save ourselves from dying on our planet due to climate change seemingly impossible. Governments/Political systems don’t help either. I know I have an American perspective on this and it may be totally different elsewhere- but the USs government is too connected to our economy. Money is literally (indirectly) able to buy politicians and votes and make it hard for anyone to push policies that don’t benefit economic systems, companies, or shareholders. So climate change will never get proper attention unless new laws are created. Those laws have to be passed by many of the same people that benefit from keeping things status quo/not going “green” etc. I’m passionate about climate change because I can’t help but want the best for humanity in the future. I love the ideas presented in the Fermii Paradox and truly believe we should strive to be come a type I civilization. That should be our collective goal- and it is indirectly our goal in a way. In laymen’s terms I think a lot of researchers and developers work towards creating 100% efficient and renewable energy and the ability to seamlessly distribute knowledge, wealth, and sustenance across the globe. We just have a bunch of shitheads throwing really difficult obstacles in our way.

On top of this, it’s fucking crazy to me how rapidly the human race has grown (population) and evolved (technologically) since the Industrial era. Humanity was moving at a reasonable pace up until the mid 1800s. The global population of our species grew at a breathable pace for a long while, actually. In the 1800s the global pop was a little under a billion. From the start of humanity all the way up to the 1800s, our global pop grew to around 900 million. In the teeny-tiny timeframe after to we learned to mass produce and distribute due to coal-power- our global pop exploded to about 8 billion. 8 times the population we had during the American Civil War. It’s crazy to me. And that’s not all- alongside our population rising dramatically, our technology boomed. The internet? I mean cmon. A literal space Station, nuclear weapons, vaccines, electricity, motor vehicles, radio, broadcasting color tv, smartphones, etc. our knowledge of the universe around us grew as well- genetic code mapping, carbon dating, theory (I know still a theory- but a fucking solid one) of relativity, quantum fucking physics, etc. all of these things being discovered post Industrial era (afaik). Like the time we are all existing in is absolutely NUTS compared to literally the rest of human history- and it doesn’t seem like we’re slowing down. According to the law of accelerating returns, our technology “especially information technology” is actually speeding up as time goes on. It’s wild.

All of this going on, all of this knowledge of the universe around us, and we’re worried about whether or not wearing a mask is an infringement on our rights or a spooky-secret government ploy to track us. Obviously, I’m wearing a mask every time I go out because I can thankfully make a decision for myself based on observation, research, and a drive to live/not fall ill.

All of this said, I don’t think I’m an unhappy person. I’m extremely apathetic. I don’t identify as a nihilist- while I do believe this could ALL (everything around us) very easily all be random and for-nothing. But that an exhausting way to live. I find joy in a few things and I cling to them. I love video games, I love my dog (maybe dog(s) soon!), I love my friends, family, and girlfriend. I love a lot of things actually- hell, I love the way it feels to drink a strong coffee in the morning. And I still get very caught up in day-to-day matters. I get distracted very easily, thankfully. I think I just have an inescapable perspective on the universe around me and my existence in it- leading to feeling comfortable when I detach from the weight of the universe and apathetic when I watch the news.