Oh, I realized it. It was a huge epiphany moment when I realized that building muscle was going to be harder than losing fat. Gaining weight in general? Easy, no problem to pile on pounds over-eating... but to genuinely build muscle??? Ugh. And I'm still dealing with having to get over the mental barrier of losing weight... I struggled with being overweight for YEARS until I finally managed to drop 50 lbs over the course of 2-3 years and KEEP it down, and to have to turn around and PUT ON WEIGHT in order to build muscle? THAT SUCKS! It sounds easy in writing, but it it a HUGE mental barrier for me. That's why I decided to stop weighing myself for now and just go by how I look, which is advice people have been spouting for ages, but again, it sounds easy in theory but isn't always easy in practice.
And yeah, eating enough is hard. Especially now that I've figured out how to eat to lose weight. Losing weight/maintaining at my "low" weight is almost effortless at this point. I find that even when I set my mind to bulking, I subconsciously will not eat enough to build muscle. I will eat the right amount to hover around 120 lbs, but not enough to build muscle. And I know I have to eat a little more than I'm hungry for to build muscle and get stronger... but I just don't want to. When I'm full, I'm full!!!! And part of it is I'm scared that I'm going to wake up one morning 170 lbs again. Obviously that's not going to happen overnight, but again, it's the biggest reason that bulking for me is so hard.
I'm just trying to do this slowly. I know that if I get too big I can always cut back down again, but.... again, it's harder in practice. But there is a real desire for me to get stronger. It's hard, it's a struggle, but it's there. I'm done spinning my wheels, talking about building muscle and then turning around and dropping weight. I'm in it to win it, so no weighing myself, taking creatine, and trying to eat more, even if it's only a little bit. I've already gotten to the point where my skinny jeans are tight around the quads, so even though it's slow, I'm doing something right (though it freaks me out that they're tight...). You can kinda see my abs, though, and I've never been able to see them before, so I know it's not exclusively fat.
But yeah, tl;dr this shit is scary and it sucks a lot but it's something I really want to do so I'm doing it. Yo!