it shook my world when I found out I was pregnant, and it all came crumbling down when I realized my boyfriend wouldn't support anything but abortion - he would would offer me alcohol while I was pregnant, he even scheduled appointments for abortions and tell me that we were visiting counselors. Prior to this I had been pro-choice but didn't think I should ever choose it, even though I was struggling financially and had just graduated from University with no clear path... I felt like I had no one to talk to. My boyfriend blamed me for getting pregnant, and would shut down any conversation I started about it. My family was strictly Catholic, so I knew if I told them I would have no choice. I didn't know what I wanted, except not to have to make a choice. I was too alone... I would hold my belly every time I saw a child, torn apart inside and crying for the both of us. After so many days locked in my room with a million tissue boxes, I finally told my best friend who I thought I could get some sort of support from - but I didn't. I felt judged, I felt dirty, I felt like it was my fault (ps, any doctor out there, I guess it's not common knowledge that antibiotics for UTI's will affect birth control pills, so, maybe just give that warning every time.) and she abandoned me as a friend, said "hmm." and never talked about it again. I had no one else. Then a job opportunity presented itself, and I was accepted! I would have to leave the city for a few months. I took the job. I knew if this career thing was to finally happen, I couldn't keep the baby as well, and honestly, it was a relief that I could justify this choice. So I had the abortion, and a week later left the city... the 3rd month anniversary was the hardest weekend I've ever faced in my life. If there was ever one day that I sincerely thought I would kill myself, it was that day, for everything I was regretting. I kept telling myself that I was forced, by a man who didn't give a single shit about me, that my friends forgot about me, I was upset that I couldn't seek help from my family, but worst was the pain... so, so much pain, at the thought I made a mistake giving up my baby. I somehow made it through the weekend, but only as a shell. I realized the only person who could help me was me, the only person who could comfort me was me - and I didn't feel like enough. On Monday I went back to work and was surprised to receive so much praise from my boss about my work... and I remembered that before the pregnancy all I wanted was this job, and I had it! I was right where I wanted to be. And while the abortion felt forced, while at once I felt abandoned, I also know it was my decision, and I recognize that I chose to exclude those who I thought would force my hand to keep it. In a way, I chose to be alone. But I chose to resume my life as it would be before the baby, and made it a mission to stop playing out every single "what if" scenario in my mind. I give myself praise for things and comfort myself when I felt grief stricken. It's been 3 years and it always comes up, but I don't push those feelings away, ever, instead I give myself the most comforting talk that I felt I always wanted to hear from someone else. I don't wait for it to be given. It might seem weird, but I will always weep for my baby, and I will never forget her (I had too many dreams about her not to know she was a girl) and I thank her every day for the life I was able to have, knowing I'll see her again one day anyway - but not one day soon, because that would mean I gave her up for nothing.