As a person with similar experiences, there are a few psychological jujitsu and emotional kung-fu strategies (excuse the cliches, but they are true) that I have used to build a solid sense of self-worth, outside of others' opinions. I am a very masculine man at 31 emotionally and physically, but in my youth I was fair skinned and sensitive, overemotional, creative and curious and considered un-athletic and clumbsy, oversensitive and my sister even called me "gayboy". I was eager to please, and would do mental gymnastics inside my mind to justify the behavior of narcissistic caretakers. I was always accommodating, always considerate. Meanwhile they were all a mess, drugged out, alcoholic and full of arrogant selfishness. My achievement was to be the "fix-it boy", so I would "help everybody except myself". After I was abandoned by my mother, who was a crack addict, I was taken in by my father. My father is a tough guy, biker, boxer, athlete and hyper-masculine realist, ready for an adrenaline rush, a fight and to be the baddest, toughest and meanest son of a bitch in my whole city. Suffice it to say, that was a lot to live up to, and created a painful need to out-do him to prove that I am a man. Did I mention that he still has six pack abs at 61 years of age? I digress. So to be here today, at 31 able to kick his ass, and anybody else that steps in my way, I can tell you in no uncertain terms that there is truly a way to free yourself of the opinions and expectations of others. You know how I did it? It wasn't escapism, and it also wasn't humbly facing reality, at least not at first. I took those things inside of me from my father, which I had denied in myself and dedicated myself to honing a skill and a craft. In my case it was music, boxing, education and martial arts. I achieved those things in secret. My family didn't know I had three college degrees until a few years ago. That's how little they ask me questions. Once I began the journey of embracing my masculine side, and pursuing training, physically, mentally and spiritually, I was able to achieve small victories; and I made sure to keep most of the victories secret to myself. No amount of praise can replace the feeling of self-discipline and achieving your own goals with hard work, dedication and faith in a greater tomorrow. See, had I have made my achievements known, I would have fallen to the need to impress, to please and to be stroked and praised. I tried that when I was young and failed. To be independent and self-reliant is its own reward, and I'm so glad. Now I can share achievements out of joy, with no need for applause. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn't share anymore with those who don't get it. I decided to wake up at 5am, and start running. I decided to face my fears and make fiends with people I thought were stuck up, or judging me, just to realize it was me who was judging them. When I assumed that people hated me, I soon realized that they thought I was stuck up, and that I had a chip on my shoulder. What a bizarre mindfuck. How could I, such a people pleasing and nice guy, be the cause of all of my own problems? Simple, I was raised that way. So by embracing my roots, and turning negative things like violence, tough-guy attitude, macho superman, into discipline, excellence, honor, humility and strength I was able to flip it on it's head. A perfect example would be the karate kid. I'm like the karate kid, I only fight unless I have to. My dad was like the bad guy dojo, always looking for an excuse to abuse their strength and bully those considered weaker. Just because he used martial arts incorrectly, doesn't mean martial arts itself is incorrect. So in a strange way, my dysfunctional family gave me the very seeds that I needed to become healthier. By diving head first into my past and into the pain, I was able to make sense of it and master the demons which have plagued my family. I have suffered greatly for it, being scapegoated and slandered just for defying expectations. But now after many years of grit and determination, perseverance and steadfastness, not only am I a husband and father, I am tough, masculine and strong, with a healthy self-worth. But most importantly, I am still that sensitive, caring, people pleasing kid that loves to help others. That has just been channeled into helping myself become a wiser man and caring for my family and friends in a deeper way that I could have ever imagined. And when I achieve something now worth sharing, I am proud to be a positive role-model for the next generation, especially my son and nieces and nephews. Do I still struggle with what people think of me? Do I still struggle with saying no, and people pleasing? Do I still at times look to achievement, to fill a void in my self image and self worth? Sure I do. But I would much rather struggle occasionally as a successful person, proud to face himself in the mirror each day, than a man in denial who fails to embrace who he is and where he comes from. So to answer your concern. Not only can you fight out of that need to achieve, but you have the strength to find an internal and intrinsic motivation as a gift and investment to yourself and your future. Hope that helps!