You need to seek professional help. I know this feeling all to well... I have been depressed for as long I can remember... it seems like it's just a part of who I am... It hurts and there are times when I just want everything to stop. I just don't want to do life anymore... I think some people are just more prone to depression, anxiety and mental illness and it's bullshit. It sucks to be one of the ones that has to fight yourself to survive pretty much... it used to make me so angry... Until I refused to accept the fact that I would ultimately be defeated by my own self... Also being the sister of someone who comitted suicide, I know first hand the emotional destruction it leaves behind. You are one of those people that has to fight to stay alive inside. I'm sorry but you are... By fighting I mean taking the steps that are necessary to get yourself professional help. You need someone you can talk to. Who can evaluate you and possibly find you a solution. Sometimes it can be hard with all the neglectful psychiatrists out there. You really have to take control of mental health and make sure you feel like they are evaluating you properly.... sometimes it seems more like a drug deal than actual help... you go they ask how you are, I say I'm good and there's my script.... but that doesn't benefit me any... Find someone good, that will actually help you. You have to just find a way to see through the pain... or to use it constructively... For me, I had to really look at the thoughts I allow in my head, the things I say, the way I talk to and about myself. I refuse to accept them anymore. This is my brain and my body and I control it. I'm not going to let myself ruin another day for me. I am going to choose to see the beauty in life. No matter how much it hurts there is always something I can be thankful for and I find and I tell myself I'm glad I have it and I do the best I can to keep my music, social media, the things I read to be positive. If it doesn't make me feel good, I stop looking at it or reading it. I'm sorry you are feeling this way... but you have value.... You can get better...