"Comcast customer service, where your oily comfort is our smooth ride. This is Beelzebubbia, how may I service you?"
"Um, hi. Yes. I recently purchased a 12-pack of your 'Goat's Rectum Delight" cannabis smoothie, and it's, um, causing me trouble."
"Oh yes, one of our finest mari-ja-wanna products. If you would like to offer positive feedback or a glowing review, you may do so on our KomKastKares website, or www.KKK.com for short.”
“Why does it begin with a K when…look, nevermind. I don’t want to leave ‘positive feedback.’ I’ve just told you it’s causing me trouble. Are you listening?”
“Why yes, sir. We our proud to offer the highest listening percentage of any major Comcast company – 1082 percent! May we help you with anything else?”
“Yes! God. Listen. I have hooves for feet and hair growing out of my eyeballs. This happened less than 30 minutes after I drank half of one of your smoothies. What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Oh, I am sorry to hear that, sir. If you read the side of the “Goat’s Rectum Delight” package carefully, you will notice that one of its potential side effects it ‘whining like a little bitch.” This is actually quite a common occurrence, and you can expect it to subside after a few weeks, once you have becoming acclimated to your new quasi-satyr status. May I service you in any other way today?”
“WHAT? What the fuck are you talking about? Tell me how to get rid of these goddamn hooves and eyeball hair or else!”
“Oh my, sir. You also seem to be experiencing a less common, but not unheard of side effect called “vague threats to a semi-omnipotent corporate entity.” I have summoned our helpful friends at the NSA and FBI to come and help you out with this little dilly of a pickle. Expect them within the next minute or two. Have I met all your servicing needs today? I am most curious about your answer, since this will likely be the last day you will be able to respond with anything more than monosyllabic grunts.”
“What??!! What the holy…there are helicopters outside my home! What the fuck is this?!”
“Thank you for calling Comcast! May Lucifer hold you and keep you, because where you’re going, no one else will!”