Cross posted from r/infidelity.

In a way the issue is that it feels as though he's leaving your relationship for a little while to pursue something else. It's about the energy and connection being broken...that's why I felt it hurt so much. And since you're doing everything humanly possible to be sexually compatible you wonder why and what's wrong with you that you can't keep him content? Honestly, there is likely NOTHING wrong with you and he is likely very content and happy and pleased as punch to have such a sexually open partner. But there's no real mystery for men with their beloved, precious, long-term partners. No chase, no hunt. They know they're going to get off with you and they know you and how you react. And they love and cherish that and don't want to fuck that up, I promise. That's why they keep this private. They are terrified of your wrath and shame...and as you see, you gave him a huge dose. Now you have an opportunity here. You can either be open to understanding, listen with your heart, and find out about this man you are with...the real things that motivate and energize and stimulate him. You may find some are upsetting, especially if they are not about you. That's normal, I think. Normal to feel upset by that and normal for him to be bifurcated in that way. Some men seem to have a deep, wide, enormous place in their hearts for the woman they love, then a whole different section for women they'd like to fuck in the dirtiest ways possible. What seems weird to us is that we don't seem to be wired that way (I know I'm generalizing, please don't flame me!). But I think sexual curiosity and lust is the energizing force that drives men everyday and will never be tamed or eliminated. If my man didn't have that, I can't imagine who he'd be. It is enmeshed with his drive, his ambition, his protectiveness, his sense of risk and adventure that has blessed me for so many wonderful years. I'm sure you can see these things in your guy, too. So, to me, this is an excellent chance to hear your man and see what's going on in his private world. They are very timid and afraid to share these things with us. Please make it safe for him. Apologize for your reaction. Calm down and let him know you were shocked or scared or whatever, but that now you truly want to know him and understand and show him acceptance. Ask him! What does he need? Maybe just excitement! Porn produces dopamine, which is a happy chemical in our brain. I feel a lot of the allure of porn for everyone is trying to get a dopamine spike. There are many ways to create dopamine, from supplements to drugs to music and exercise, but of course, sex is the quickest, most satisfying, and most fun way. Maybe it's a self-esteem boost he's looking for. Maybe he had a lot of rejection during adolescence and he's trying to re-write that script. Maybe it's all kinds of things wrapped up together making the entirety of the man you love. Who knows! Find out! Maybe he just loves tits and ass! So...can you take a trip of trust and love and enter into his life? Either that, or you'll give him an ultimatum to forsake all that energy and excitement. Maybe he will promise to forsake all sexual things except for you, but likely he'll never be able to keep that promise. You'll dominate him in this way and he'll hate you for it, and he'll die slowly inside while trying to be faithful. Or you can open your mind and heart and soul, taking baby steps, just talking and sharing and listening without judging. Let him tell you about his early sensual experiences. His disappointments, frustrations, and failures, his lusts and what turns him on. Get him to open up to you and then you share back your private and most intimate truths. This is how you deepen a relationship. Let him show you what he thinks, feels, lusts, is afraid of...and you'll find you're allowing the love bond between you to deepen so significantly it amazes you both. One thought that tenderized my heart and calmed my fears was: how I would feel if I had a secret drive that I felt I couldn't share with my partner? What if I felt afraid to be honest, maybe embarrassed or ashamed of myself so deeply I gave up sleep, kept secrets, etc. and then one day he found out? How would I long for him to respond to me? Think about that before you talk with him. In a way, we are lucky as women. Home, family, children, faithfulness, monogamy, etc. can be very satisfying to us, so much so that we fail to see our men dying on the vine. The grind if life is intense for men. And then go, really look, at men who've been married a long, long time. The ones who cratered, gave in, you can see that in their demeanor and the awful way the spouses speak to each other, barely hiding years of bitterness. I did not want that for my man. Or for us or our sons. I want him to be all the man that he can be, including honoring his vows to me, but still being virile and thrilling and sexy as hell. And he is. Omg is he. Amazing. I would never want to cut him down in any way, ever. I think it's either that, or ignore everything about your man' sex life and let him go do it in private, which is lonely and hollow to me, or force him to stop, which will cause him great struggles and depression. Finding myself in a similar but different situation over the last few years, I have a lot of observations. First, I was petrified, literally to my gut petrified, that if I opened up the door into his lustful world that I'd just be signing the warrant for my own divorce. I was tempted to try and lock it down and try to eliminate it. I saw his sexuality as a potential wrecking ball for our home. And so he was very patient with my tempestuous responses. Sometimes I understood. Sometimes I felt bereft! Others I was intrigued. I was virtually unstable for over a year in grappling with all this. I felt the foundation of my life had been totally disrupted. Everything I had believed in...one woman, one man, forever, happily, with children ,then grandchildren, then at 90, sitting in rocking chairs, looking back over our lives. I never saw porn, or swingers clubs, or sex toys, or anything in that fantasy track I lived in. So I had a lot of overcoming to do. I could see he'd been so lonely, keeping all this to himself, and doing so honorably, struggling with it, but surpressing himself, but always ,being faithful to me and good to me. So, I decided to trust him. With the deepest, most intimate part of our lives together. He knows how delicate this dance is and we are slowly dancing it together, which is exhilarating, thrilling, terrifying, sexy, and a million other adjectives. My man has always agreed to never do anything that I'm not comfortable with. He'd shut it all down for me today and never speak of it again if I asked him not to. We are both committed to laying down our lives for each other. But it means the world to him to see me stretching and growing on his behalf. And it's good for me too. We have very clear boundaries and discuss things between us all the time...sometimes for hours. One thing I have come to believe. You can't control a man's sexuality. You can make agreements how you will express it together or apart, but you won't eliminate it. One thing I've thought about is that why should my way (monogamy, one person for life only, etc) be the only right way? Maybe I should learn to love him for who he is for a while. So, I leapt and chose to see life through his eyes for a while. I entered with great trepidation ...even terror...into his world and did many things I never thought I'd do. Many were not my preference but none were offensive and some, very fun. But what I found I loved the most was seeing the joy and peace in his soul that he felt he could be with me wholly, and that I did not humiliate or scorn or shame him, but opened my heart up to understand him. And that is a gift to us both and has deepened our connection more than we ever could have imagined. His touch for me now is so precious and loving I wouldn't ever want to go back to him struggling privately in his own locked-up world. That's just heartbreaking. And you know what else I learned? It's just sexy stuff for him, it's just fun. Maybe some guys like to have boats, or hunt, or whatever...guys like and need to have fun too. But my guy just likes sex. In every single way he can experience it, safely, without hurting me. And boobs are just fun! Attraction is fun, flirting is fun, sex is fun, being sexy is fun, being desirable is very fun..why would I want him never to experience that? Another thing I also saw was that his decision to let me into his world (I didn't catch him..he told me after many years) led me to open up to him sexually in ways I never would have. I told him things about me, and he's eager and thrilled to help me even more than he seeks after his own. He just loves the energy and passion he's brought out in me too. I'm being deliberately vague about the things we have done because to me that's immaterial. You may just start watching porn together. Send him videos of things that turn you on. Take some risks. Show him where you'd love to have him touch you, or how. Maybe you'll start writing him sexy stories and share them. Maybe narrate some role play and send it to him as a voice memo. Go buy him some sexy underwear and great looking clothes that make him feel hot. Get him soap and lotion that smells like a man. Here's a great start: http://www.outlawtradingco.com/products/blazing-saddles-the-sexiest-soap-ever Go buy yourself amazing sex toys and great new lingerie. Flirt. Whatever hits your buttons together is all that matters. But continue to create sexual energy between you. If you don't feed it new and energizing things you'll be diminishing the energy and magnetic connection between you. Be brave and love fiercely. Be honest always about your feelings, but be willing to challenge them. And place love above all in your dealings with each other.