Thank you. Don't worry about it. Even people with "normal" lives experience deep heartache and pain. Our brains process things in relativity, not to actual scale. One problem for someone else may seem overwhelming to you, while another persons pain seems incredibly trivial. You "get use to" things, and the propensity for even broken and beaten bodies to survive no matter what is a very moving thing.

With pain, use what you go through to empathize with the less fortunate. If you haven't experienced my levels or pain, that does not mean you cannot empathize and understand, which you do anyway. Yeah, I want things to change immediately. No one wants to deal with pain, especially pain that is intense and long lasting.

But I have hope. There have been times where that hope is lacking or that it seems like I have none at all. But my body, my self wants to survive. Hope is such an incredible emotion. We throw it around so much like it is nothing. We know it is amazing, but many haven't experienced what finding hope is like against all odds. You start to find hope in the smallest of things, and it drives you.

Something that has always stuck with me was that one of the women who was part of the fated Donner Party, before they reached the camp where the cannibalism happened they had had an incredibly rough time even getting to the Rockys. They are almost to the fated mountains and this woman writes how she has never suffered so deeply in her life. That she will remember how hard this was and how she is getting through it and feels like she can't take any more.

But then, then the more infamous parts of that trip happen. She had to watch people die and eat each other to live. She had to experience something that was a billion times worse than something she experienced and changed her life view just a few weeks ago.

But she got through that, too. She made it out alive to the other side, and I believe she was one of the few who did not have to eat anyone. But she just weeks prior could barely get trhough the pain she was going through, then it got worse, but there was hope and she made it.

There is a long journey for me. But at least I have hope. I don't have anything terminal. I can, with certain rehabilitation, get to a place much better than this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone I know. But I must go through it. And boy do I act through it, so I do not worry my parents.

I know I am writing this huge thing... I am thankful if you read this far. Sometimes I just vomit up everything I have been holding in. I think that is why places Like Reddit help keep me sane.

But three weeks ago, I was so sick. I went into the E.R. several times. I was suffereing from this thing called Babesia (it is a parasite that come in tick bites as well as with Lyme). It looks like sortof like malaria. It became resistant to my meds and I did not know for too long. It got so bad I broke out in spots everywhere and became very anemic. I talked to my mom on the phone the next day after one of the E.R. visits and she asked how I was. I said "fine" because this has become so routine in my sicknesses, that i didn't even register that I was just in the E.R. The thing that reminded me was the IV scab on my arm.

And my mom isn't strong enough to take it. I can't tell her the full details of everything wrong with me because it would kill her inside. I will get better one day. I am so lonely sometimes, but I can make friends easy. So At least I know as I get better, I can meet new people and hang out with more old friends as well. I live on hope. I breath it. It keeps me up and love keeps me going. I want to scream so many days, but many days are days that I can sing. So I have things.

I will probably delete this part, but I haven't said it to anyone in forever. My name is Hilary, I have a degree in Neuroscience with a minor in French and Psychology. I have hopes and dreams for my future. My life was taken from me, and now I fight every day to take it back. Degree in hand, ready for med school, I had to bow out and watch my classmates move on to their new lives becoming doctors. That was supposed to be my life to. I fight tooth and nail to live, but my body wastes away on the bed each day. But I am smart. I may be hidden, but I do matter. I may be broken, but I will sing. I may be tortured, but I still dream. I may feel pain, but it is not who I am.

Thank you for reading.