Ive got a neurochemical imbalance.....and had about as fucked up a childhood as you can live through....and that was a really close call a few times more than it ever should have been.
Consequentially, Not so much now at 40, but in my youth high levels of stress would set me on a spin...the worst of which sometimes ended up lost in the sands of time.
Ive woken in jail, foreign countries, foreign country in jail, On a bus with a duffle bag full of pharmaceuticals. When Im not taking care of myself properly, when Im living on the edge of my fingernails, something in me switches on and everything else just goes away.
My last significant episode was about 17 years ago when my wife and I were tumbling out of control towards me spending every year since a single father raising two little girls. Her support bills up to $83k. About 3 months after she left...A girl I knew online was passing through town on her way to LA, and was going to be laid over for 6 hours. I remember meeting her, I remember leaving the airport....but my next memory Im stepping out of the car to get gas and Im stunned when the air hits my skin. I get back in the car, she asks....whats wrong....I say Its a million degrees out there....I look back and my daughters are in their car seats and theres a uhaul on my car....and apparently I moved to vegas with a cam girl from germany and my kids to speed up my divorce so we could all move to germany with her.
Ummm.....yeah well it made the rest of the divorce and drama much easier. It was good to have someone there for me. She was completely useless with my girls so I ended it.
And since then Ive done a pretty good job of locking myself up when I feel Im losing control, medicating myself when I have to, and making sure I avoid things, people and situations that could trigger my behavioral outbursts.
Not having been homeless, or incarcerated, or a criminal, not having had any enemies to be concerned with has made a huge difference in my ability to maintain stability. I owe that entirely to my girls. Im all they have so no matter how much I feel like I cant, I have to. I guess I also owe a good bit of it to krav maga as well. Ive got 3 guys I dont have time to really be friends with nor inclination to be bothered that are very eager whenever I call offering to see who beats the shit out the other in a respectful rarely seriously injuring way.
It has taken quite a few years to get to the point where I can allow someone to strike my face or head without dissecting them in response. I call match as soon as my vision starts to close in noticeably. I truly believe id be dead or in jail by now if I hadnt A. stepped up for my girls. B. Found ways to erupt that didnt blow everything around me to pieces.
It worries me slightly, My girls graduate monday. Ive got that whole empty nest midlife convergence things.....theyve been the drive and stability Ive done it all for.....and soon they will start their own life.....and I need about 1/4 what I make to live on my own LOL whats going to keep me from running rampant? reddit lol?
anyway I might just be fucking with you...or I might be even worse than this sounds and have a good sense of humor. Im not always sure which it is. In anycase.....reddit is way better than therapy journals because real actual alive other people are doing the talking back rather than just sitting around mulling over my own thoughts and ideas..
okay so just to be clear.....I am stoned, its okay Im in oregon. LOL