Welcome to the club friend. Honestly, I suspect many of the partners here share those traits, our relationships seem both a symptom and cause... but the real problem to our misery is our own. I believe even if our friends or spouse do not change a thing that we can change ourselves and make those relationships completely bearable, healthier, and be happy.

I am still in the beginning of the same journey and can relate to much of what you said. Honestly, I'd just got a great and related book recommendation from another here, and only read chapter 1 (the book is shipping and e-book had a preview). The book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" seems incredibly apt for what you just described your life is, what you don't like about it, and has great focus on teaching how to be healthier, stronger, more fulfilled, but still compassionate men- rather than resentfully codependent.

In my experience with my BPD SO, that change I just described (our changing ourselves) would have to happen whether our wives woke up determined above all to change for the better or not. My wife has was mine and my home's emotional center while I dropped most my healthy boundaries. I was trying to be her dad, mom, best friend, and assistant. I took all the blame and responsibility for her emotions (and they are extreme and rapidly shifting). It was impossible. She needs me to be a very different man for her. I (and I am sure you as well to survive as long as you have) am a strong man, but my thinking and the tools I used were warped. I am not responsible for her emotions. I always sacrificially put her first in every way. I thought that made me a good husband, but it DIDN'T. She needs a very different partner than that. That brings her no stability. I want to really put her needs first, but she needs a rock her storms can crash into without destroying it or passing toward their goal regardless. I guess I'm talking more to myself than you, but I can absolutely relate to your post and I find it very hopeful for myself to believe that regardless of the state my relationship or wife's emotions, if I make healthy changes to myself I can hold onto my sanity, stop my 'new' panic attacks, no longer feel such resentment, take care my own needs (no one was), and in return be a happier, stronger, and more independent man that can help my wife carry her burden. That is my largest goal in life for my immediate future. When this relationship was over my head and I was lost in codependency, everything in my life was torturously miserable and I felt crazy. I can't help my wife like that and with real physical ailments from the stress and lack of self-care- I choose to no longer live that way. I love my wife, but she wasn't happy. Just as I didn't really know all the needs I had and was missing- neither does she. She doesn't really need to be the emotional center of the house, no one does. She needs to see me prove to her that we are responsible for our emotions, that I love her but am strong enough to not be moved by unhealthy tantrums and we'll weather the ups and downs of life together. I can tell you what didn't work: codependency. We were both miserable, I believe it further stresses our BPD SO's out when they see, feel, and know we hyper-vigilantly hang on every word, watch their eyes and breath and stay on the wall, possessively empathizing and bending under bated breath to read and respond to her emotions.. We run around codependent and MAKE them responsible for OUR emotions too! I'm not responsible for hers and she cannot be for mine. That isn't how life works and with BPD even the individual struggles with their own emotions, how much harder when they know their home and spouse is 100% tied to the storm inside as well.

I'm sorry this rambled on so much and was so difficult to read. I just wanted to share the book recommendation and mostly express you have hope regardless of anyone changing but you and that many of us intrinsically can relate.