I’m feeling really conflicted regarding the state of my relationship and I don’t know what to do.
I met my boyfriend when I was living abroad, and we have been in a long-distance relationship for about 3 of the 4 years that we’ve been together. I love him very, very much. He is the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known letalone dated, and I feel that being with him has improved me as a person.
As I mentioned, we are a long-distance couple, and we plan for this to end soon. He will soon be finished university and is planning on moving here to be with me. This would be a trans-continental move and is a big deal. Unfortunately, now that there is a light at the end of our long-distance tunnel, I’m beginning to have some doubts. My doubts about our relationship seem to be focused around these areas:
1. His social skills. He is from a culture that is known for being very quiet and inward. While he is a very kind and social person, he is not one to really converse with others and he doesn’t really ask me questions about myself either. I don’t feel like we have very many deep and meaningful conversations for this reason. I wouldn’t consider him to be “awkward”, but he is definitely a child of the internet and sometimes has difficulty separating that from real life.
2. His appearance/hygiene. When I met him, I was a huge metal head. He has long flowing blonde hair that I loved at the time, but now that I am older and in a professional career, I’m not as into it. This is my own issue so it isn’t fair to put the blame on him for that, but I wish he would take more pride in his appearance. For example, I have to nag him to brush his hair. I have to remind him to brush his teeth in the mornings. I have made him buy new jeans when we were visiting friends out of town, because I realized his jeans were stained and gross looking and I was upset that he didn’t take the time to wear clean clothes when staying at someone’s house. He is really beautiful, and I wish he would put more into himself so that others could see that too. He just updated his Facebook profile picture today, and I was taken aback at how… creepy he looked. That is not the proper way for a girlfriend to react. I don’t feel like I even want him sexually anymore. I am not saying I am a beauty queen or anything, but I do care about my appearance and generally put my best foot forward.
3. We are very different sexually. He is into BDSM-type things, and while it is nice every once in a while, I long for emotional love-making. When I ask for that, he says he'll do it, but we end up reverting to role play because it is the only way he can finish. It's not like I need that all the time - I like the fun stuff too - it's just fun in a different way, I guess. He was somewhat inexperienced before I met him, and I feel like it has been difficult to build up this aspect of our relationship since we live apart.
However, he also has many, many amazing qualities. 1. He is the most intelligent person I know. Like, freaky smart. I remember on our first date thinking “this guy is way too smart for me,” but the way he talks about things or explains things makes me “get it” and I know that he has made me a better person because of this.
2. He is the kindest person I know. He doesn’t have a bad word to say about anyone. He is also very calm and collected, and although I admit I can be a difficult person, he seems to deal with me just fine. He calms me down and is very reassuring. I have never been in a relationship with someone this unconditionally good, and I know that it will be hard to find that again.
3. He is ambitious and business-focused. I feel like he will probably be a very rich man someday because he is very innovative and ambitious. He has his own business and is good at finding contract work with exciting companies. I feel like I am a somewhat career-focused person, and I like that he is as well because it seems like many people who are “into” the things that we are aren’t as accomplished, or at least don’t have the same values.
4. He is trustworthy and honest. Never in all of our years apart have I ever felt like he would cheat or do anything “shady”. He had one “slip-up” when we first started dating, and he was really upfront about it because he wanted us to always be honest with each other. I got over it.
5. He is a great friend. He is a good listener and gives good advice. He is calming and supportive.
6. His family is awesome. His parents like me, even knowing that he will have to move across the world to be with me. They’re very supportive of us, and are just great people in general.
7. He lets me feel comfortable. I feel free to be my very weirdest around him. He lets me be who I am, and is always supportive of that. We have similar weirdnesses, so it is nice to be with someone who not only accepts it, but embraces it.
To be honest, I have been having some doubts for a while. He usually comes to stay with me over the summer when he has a break from school, and it has always been really nice. I admit that we aren’t probably as focused on each other as we should be when we are apart, but when we are together it is always better. There are times, however, when I have thought “Is this the person I want to spend the rest of my life with?” This question has been creeping up more frequently, however, and it seems to be all I think about these days. I am constantly trying to gauge and compare both sides of the story, and sometimes I make up my mind only to have it change to something else later. I wish I had these feelings before he was so close to moving here. We are finally at the end of our LDR, and now I'm having these doubts. However, I feel like he should know that I'm feeling this way before he makes such a big move and sacrifice. It's not fair for me to harbour these feelings when he has so much on the line.
I also feel like I am probably not the most desirable person as a dating prospect:
*I am in a professional career, and it is one I am really committed to (despite typing this at work, lol). However, I am also a total loser and am into video games, anime conventions and cosplay, Dungeons and Dragons, metal music, and stuff like that. Starting to date again is terrifying to me, because I don’t think I’ll be able to find someone who accepts/appreciates my geekery while still meeting the “professional” side. How will the average guy react to my nerd desk corner?
*I am not a very easy person to deal with. I have depression and anxiety (although I feel like I currently have it somewhat under control compared to how I can be) and I am pretty sensitive and emotional. I feel like I have been getting better at this, through my boyfriend’s support, but I know that I have very high expectations of myself as well as others.
If I stay: *Will get a house in the next year or so *Will be in a stable, loving long-term relationship *No one’s feelings get hurt *Will have a comfortable lifestyle *Unsatisfied emotionally, sexually, socially *Will probably have to have children (he wants them, I don't)
If I leave:
*Feelings will be hurt. *Possibly lose a friend *Dating sucks *Eternal loneliness?
This is just really difficult for me. The times I've broken up with people in the past have been relatively easy because they were usually assholes, but he is truly just an amazing person who I do really love. I will miss being with my matching "cuddle puzzle piece", as we say. I'll miss talking to him and hearing his sweet, gentle voice. Friends have told me how supportive we are of each other, and how they admire us as a couple. They think it's cute that he always has his arm around me. I'd miss that.
I want to talk to him about this, but he in the middle of final exams so I will wait until that is over. How do I approach this? What do I do?
I'm sorry for the long and rambling post. My McDonalds napkin is saturated with tears, so I have probably said enough. I know I sound like a terrible person. What would you do?