I'm obsessed with my abusive ex

I'm having a lot of problems with your first sentence. I don't sit and conjure up what happened. It pops in my mind. It was a traumatic event. Who..... I mean. Do you think that's what people do? Do you think a "good enough" boyfriend could make the memories disappear? I think that's unfair to both myself and my boyfriend.

I probably wasn't clear with what happened before the relationship began. We were at a party and I lost consciousness. Everything that happened at the party is his word against mine. I drank too much, I fell asleep. When I woke up, he was holding my hand and making me jack him off. I pulled my hand away and was quite scared but was having trouble speaking. I remember saying no once. It's cloudy. I fell back asleep. I woke up and he was breathing heavily in my ear. I fell back asleep. Similar things all night. That's what I remember. When I confronted him about it months later he sounded rather surprised. He said I didn't fall asleep. I was awake the whole time and instigated the whole thing. He said I was all over him.

So. I guess that isn't hard to believe. People black out and do things they don't remember. I do remember pulling away and saying no once, but I don't know. It's complicated! So, in giving him the benefit of the doubt, I would say he probably honestly didn't realize I was impaired.

The OTHER time was very cut and dry. It was wrong. I was crying.

Another misconception you have that I thought I adressed is that I am obsessing over the romance. The romance isn't what I've been perseverating on. My ex and I did have good times. He wasn't a supervillain. Our relationship eventually fizzled out and we had a pretty ugly break up for reasons completely unrelated to the really bad things. I did not miss him when we broke up. I was actually pretty pleased with how quickly I got over it. In fact, before my current boyfriend I had another ex that was way harder to get over than the one in this post. I only started "missing" my ex when I began therapy and all this stuff came up. And, to be extra clear, since you've missed a lot of my pretty major points, the "missing" is not romantic. I want to talk to him about what happened because we didn't talk about it before. It bothers me that I'm in pain because of him and he's living his life carefree and may be involved with other people. Is he hurting them? Was it just me? Does he always do that?

I appreciate your last sentence. I'm trying to be gentle with myself and not blame myself for thinking about the situation. It's part of the healing process. I am still doing well in school. My functioning hasn't been impaired at all. Things have been going well. So, no sabotaging to worry about. As this subreddit would imply, I just wanted to get it off my chest.

/r/offmychest Thread Parent