I understand how you feel , I grew up the same way. My belief was based off the constantly reiterated fear of eternal fire and gnashing of the teeth. My childhood was shtty & showed me Christians are some of the most evil ppl you can meet. I was depressed because I felt so abandoned by god, because I been praying for a lifetime & nothing in my life felt worth it.. then it clicked it was bs & it was just a tool of submission that i escaped .. that was felt freeing for me.

I’m just grateful now I live life freely without constant dread about the consequences of every thing I do. My mother is still deeply religious & preaches to me 24/7 but ig I’m grateful she’s a genuinely loving & kind woman to say the least.