If I were in the situation you have described, I would definitely have a discussion about what your husband wants and would make it clear what you also want--since you're the other half of the situation who has just as much priority as he. Since he has felt this way since 5, I highly doubt he's going to change because of one incident. As for talking to his man on the side, I would be careful not to do this in such a way that seems deceitful. If you are so supportive of the man you have married, then I would say you should ask your husband to have his boyfriend over and all three of you can talk about what is going to happen next. If that's even something with which anyone would be okay. The man on the side might have no interest in a relationship with your husband beyond what they already have. He may not be ready to take on the commitment of a man who is dealing with coming out of the closet. But, I think the most important thing to keep in mind is that there needs to be some sort of action to move the situation away from trying to continue to stay married, which is something that at least he is not able to successfully do since he's been lying about this and now the question of trust is on the table like it is. Also you haven't been getting the physical affection that every human being deserves when in a relationship like marriage, so you would be better off moving on from this situation so you can also find some satisfaction in a more reciprocal relationship. It sounds like your husband feels guilty (which is appropriate) and since your reaction seems to be supportive, he's probably trying to reciprocate your kindness and love with an offer to make you a priority again, which is unfortunate because doing so would re-enter the cycle in which both of your have been to some degree suffering. It's not too uncommon for someone to finally get something off their chest and then once they find out they're not going to be punished by the one person they've told, they want to continue the behavior that made them feel guilty enough to lie about it in the first place. He's likely terrified of actually living and thinking of himself as a gay man. You know, homophobia isn't about being scared of gay people, it's about being scared of being gay yourself. It's this principle upon which staying in the closet is based. I think you should be looking at your husband as someone who is going through something really fucking big and really fucking difficult. He's going to say and do things that are not necessarily wise. He does not have the self-confidence and sense of security with his feelings to appropriately manage them because after all, he's been with someone outside the marriage in order to practice a sexuality that is different than yours--not to mention that he's had 21 years of associating his sexuality with guilt and shame, instead of excitement and confidence as it should be. So, your husband has a lot of thinking and processing to do. Luckily you at least have his back, so he's not alone. Talking to the boyfriend might not be all that it's cracked up to be. On the other hand, if the guy turns out to be a decent human being with your husband's interests at heart, then it might be a very good idea to include him in the situation. Either way, it's probably wise to start looking at options of how to end the marriage and move on with your lives because what you're describing sounds like a person trapped in a cycle and you are the one with the most power to deal with it. Then again, there's a lot of other details I don't know so I could be completely off the mark.