Update. Thank you! Since this situation is more complex than I could ever explain in a few paragraphs - many suggest breaking up.
Fortunately, I did not. My partner and I talked about it. We talked for three hours and discussed boundaries in our relationship for one additional hour. Though it might seem rather ridiculous, I did put about 70% of the comments in an excel sheet to understand what is right and what is not and read it to him in a more friendly manner than you put it. It has a few different sections, like: what is the problem? Was it right to tell me about his thoughts of other women? What should we do now? Am I enough? Was it right to pretend I am okay with it? Where is reddit incorrect? Where is this relationship doing great sexually?
And he took it. He heard me. He cried, I cried. We realised how easy it is to mess up and suddenly be scared for the future, because I really was! He cried for hours because he hurt me and he realised not to tell me everything.
You may think this is wrong: „dump him!“. But that would we quite inconvenient, if I ever met a great guy, it’s this one. He is loving and empathetic, the absolute smartest, openly communicates everything and deals with private traumatic issues, so I can look past one mistake if he puts in the work he promised to do. You have no idea how much pressure this person is under and how happy he makes me. You really have no idea. His family is lovely i saw each one of them be vulnerable and hörnst, they really do talk openly about everything naturally. My partner does understand this to be wrong in case of it serving no purpose. It’s wrong to tell me about his thoughts if the all they do is eliminate his guilt and hurt my self esteem.
He also acknowledged it being unfair that I had to do all of this emotional work today. And it felt like we managed it as a team, we did not fight. Honestly, for you guys this doesn’t mean anything. You will forget. But I took your recommendations and managed it like i should, if this relationship is to survive. I checked in on this thread while crying, and am out of this stronger than before. Now I’m done and the rest is on my partner, I did more than my fair share today.