You could be me, and so I think what you are saying is so common to us LGBT folks. We're torn between two realities, and people on both sides do their damnedest to make sure that we do not have a home in either. Instead, we have to give up one reality or the other.

I'm fascinated by liturgy, architecture, early Church thinkers. But the more I dive into that world, the harder I come up against some of the most hateful perspectives that have caused the most damage to women, people of color, and us LGBT folks. Of course there are examples of wonderful and gracious people as well. But Christian communities tend to want to emphasize those thinkers who think along legal lines, identity lines, us-vs.-them, rather than the mystics and the compassionate. So I find myself quickly retreating from the traditional. The study of it interests me. The practice of it, too. But, in reality, it would leave me alienated from those who suffer at its' hands.

Some days I think I can make it work: live in the two worlds at once. Other days I think I can't possibly do it and, since I can't change who I am and don't want my heart to grow cold to others, that means I can't really remain Christian.

Sorry, I got into rambling about myself a bit there. I hope you find your way.