Hi,
Don't listen to yourself when you are depressed. I've been depressed and looking back I can see I was so affected by it that I was full of crap. You can't help it. That is just how it is when you have depression.
What kind of things did you like doing before the depression ran you over like a steam train.
Where do you live? Have you been to my home, Australia?
If you weren't ill what would like to do? Research it on google, youtube and the like. You won't be sick forever so you could start collecting info. Make scrap books etc. yes you are a grown man but these activities can be distracting from the pain. And if it works make more. Anything that gives relief repeat.
Do you think that maybe you weren't rejected at the meet-up? I was very sensitive when depressed. I took small things and made them a big deal. I'd suggest you go a couple more times to be sure. Just incase it was the depression talking.
As someone who has had depression and I swear the best advice is don't listen to depression. it's like it makes you do the worse thing for your condition. I never wanted to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. Pretty hard to feel good living like that.
Also I found it took the edge of if I remembered it was a disease and when I thought a nasty thing tell myself something like depression doing good job today. Putting in overtime. Or other thing.
You need to remember you are still there. You writing this for help proves that. Your depression is separate from you. Let it tell you whatever bullshit. Try to lessen it's importance. Don't try to stop the thoughts I found that made it worse. Just try to limit the amount the thoughts concern you.
The depression will go. Quicker if you have meds and therapy. Ebay stuff if you have to. No joke it feels like crap. Do what you have to, to get help.
The only thing you can do is try to limit your pain each day till you heal. Try heaps of things and find something that distracts you from he pain.
I hope it makes you feel a little better to know someone read your post and saw your pain. I know you will get better. I have no doubts. I know so many people who have had it and all are well now. Some took longer than others. It doesn't matter. It's not giving up. It is common to have suicide thoughts. It doesn't mean you will act on them. It means you are extremely distressed.
Don't let depression beat you. When you get better you can be like me and say it's hell, at times I wished a bloody bus would run me over, but I made it.
Ps. I have been treated by oncologist twice in the last three years. I go for a third rather than have depression again. I am totally sincere. The not knowing when it would end. The lack of understanding from family. The not being able to enjoy anything was worse than the medication amd surgeries. So remember when you are at your worse how much pain you are actually enduring. How strong you actually are. My shrink said depressed people are in more pain than the majority of the people who go to ER. And remember that someone in Australia wrote amd told you that without hesitation she'd have another tumour removed than go through depression again.
Ps. being alone does suck. It sucks a lot less when you feel better but still sucks. I've found friends using meet-up and you can do the same when you are better.
Depression does have one useful thing. It makes you see what is important to you. Health and good friends were mine. Write yours down. Then if you think of something to help with those goals write it down. Memory is bad with depression.
Hold on. You will get well. And I hope it will be soon. Help,it come sooner with exercise, eating well, talking to someone each day (shop keeper will do), consider a pet, meds and therapy.
Psagain. If th depression gets a too big a grip get admitted to hospital. I did this as I was so scared of my negative thoughts. It's not a holiday but it helped get me well faster. Plus I met people with the same condition. One became a good friend for several years before she moved interstate.
Best wishes from Brisbane Australia