But I want to feel her to be safe first.

Dude, it is NOT about this. What you're saying here goes without saying.

You are both liars - both by commission and omission. And you - you personally - are also lying to yourself, which is most troubling. You're trying to convince yourself, or you have convinced yourself, that it was an accident when you crossed a boundary with her. This is clearly an ego defense mechanism on your part, but no one accidentally puts their hand on someone's vagina with the intent of trying to initiate sex while they are asleep. STOP LYING!!

You need to start to figure out how to be honest with each other.