My original post so you can get where I'm coming from, I don't want to retype all that.

Also, I'm sorry this isn't light-hearted. I just don't know where else to go and this is the only place that I've even mentioned my stepdad in a bad light and it felt good to feel like I have people (hypothetically) on my side and offering me advice, which I really did take to heart and have been considering.

Everyone commenting on my first post told me to get out and get help and I, being a weak motherfucker, didn't do shit. Guess who's probably never going to play lacrosse again due to a multitude of injuries involving both my arms.

Basically we got into a fight again about God knows what -I don't even know why he was mad at me, he just came home and started screaming and telling me off about how much of a failure I am at sports and school and shit and tons of other random things that I don't even recall right now- and I just tried to stay quiet and wen't up to my room and locked the door and hoped he would chill but of course he didnt and followed me upstairs and kept going at it and shoving me until I was int he corner of the room. Then he kept asking "are you fucking sorry? are you fucking sorry?" and I (knowing even asking questions will get me in more trouble) was just like "yeah, I'm sorry, my bad." Then he was like "what are you sorry for?" and I was like fuck, I don't even know what I was in trouble for, I just wanted him to go away. So I was like "Uh... everything?" and he flipped and was like "don't be sarcastic with me ya little punk" and just laid into me punching my chest every time I tried to guess at what I was sorry for and he kept being like "try again!"

At this point I'm pathetically crumpled in the floor trying to avoid him and he gets even more pissed because this isn't "manly" (like yeah, I know I'm being a pansy but excuse me for fucking defending my ribs), so he grabs my shirt and starts dragging me out of the room. In my other post I tried to sortof explain that for whatever reason, I can't fight back against him. I don't know why, because I'd win in a fight against anyone else (I'm a big dude) but with him I just freeze and I feel like I'm 9 years old and I can't do anything. And I keep looking back like God what if I had done something different it wouldn't be like this right now.

Anyways we've got this mini balcony in our house where the second floor overlooks the first floor's living room. he throws me up against the balcony's railing and keeps yelling and I don't even know what he's saying I just was looking down and trying to not do anything wrong but I tried to kinda push myself away from the balcony because I obviously didn't want to fall over it. It's not that long of a fall but it would still suck.So I think he took this as me fighting back and he gave me this huge push and I went completely over the edge and landed on my hands trying to protect my head. God even typing that out I feel pathetic like jesus no one can touch me or intimidate me or anything outside of him I hate that I just feel like I regress into being little and I can't do anything to defend myself it's fucked I hate it.

I snowboard sometimes so I should've known to not fall back on my hands. I'm so pissed at myself the x-rays look fucking awful. The corner triangle part of my radius in my right hand just kinda broke off. I don't really know how to describe it it's just kinda broken. (Edit: I think it's called a barton's fracture?) But my left arm looks awful. The ulna looks completely disconnected from the rest of my wrist and I think the doctor said something about one of the little carpals being shattered. I'm so pissed and I hate that it's taking me what seems like 10 years to type this out. My right wrist is in a smaller wrap/cast so I can still write and type and shit with that but left arm is in a kind of pressure wrap thing that they put on after surgery. Apparently they had to put wires and screws and stuff in my arm to fix it. It's honestly some of the worst pain I've ever been in in my life, aside from fracturing a rib. But my wrist and the damage that's been done to it is the biggest problem here and what might inhibit my life from actually having something good in it for fucking once.

If you read my last post then you know that I've worked my ass off for years to get where I am today playing lacrosse (and soccer too, but lacrosse has been my main focus.) We're just about finishing up the tournament i.e. the time when every single major scout comes and watches us play. I need that scholarship money to get to college and I was directly on the path to getting it before this weekend. My life was set I was probably going D1 I was going to get out of my house and not have to rely entirely on my shit for brains stepdad for funding but but now I'm never going to play again and I'm going to be in my stepdad's debt for practically the rest of my life.

Fuck. I just don't even know what to do I feel like this isn't even worth moving forward on like the only thing that was keeping me going was the knowledge that I wouldn't have to deal with him ever again after just one more year but now I'm tied to him for the rest of my life because I've ruined the only thing that I had going for me by not being smart enough to just not fucking fuck up for one fucking day.

tl;dr: In a giant "I told you so" from 100~ people on this subreddit, I screwed up again, my stepdad got pissed and acted out worse than before. I might be now permanently injured and any chance at having the future that I've worked my ass off and planned for myself is probably fucked. Never felt so worthless or lost in my entire life.

Also for people wondering why I don't call the police as my first option, I explain in detail in my first post why I really shouldn't. Just issues with publicity and foster care and shit. I feel like there's literally no good solution that I can see..

Update: I've been focusing on studying for my precalc final tomorrow and I just opened up reddit again and holy shit so many people commented thank you all it's an awesome feeling to get affirmation that shit is bad. The library closes at 10 (it's 9:40 right now) so I'm trying to figure out what I should do. If it weren't pouring I'd just stay outside or something but right now I keep telling myself that I have to go home because if I don't he'll be even more pissed and it would just be even worse for me. I just shouldn't/can't call a friend because what would I even say? "Yeah, uh, I know it's the night before our math final but do you think your parents would let me crash at your house without any other explanation?" Wait fuck come to think of it I don't even have my phone so I don't have anyone's number. And I'm too far to walk to anyone shit. I don't really know what to do like if I call my stepdad to get me that would be awful like fuck I just feel so stuck. But yeah some of you were asking for an update to make sure I'm alive so uh yeah I am rn.

Update 2: the library is closing right now so I have to do something. Literally no one lives on this side of town but my house is only like a mile and a half(ish) away. I don't have anyones numbers memorized so there's no way for me to even get in contact with anyone. You're gonna slaughter me for this but I'm just gonna walk home and try to get into his car which is probably where my phone is. Then I'll call one of my friends because I honestly am scared to stay the night at my house right now. He didn't want me to leave originally and I ditched and went to the library so he's gonna be double pissed. Even though avoiding him longer is just gonna make everything worse, even though I don't know you all I'd feel bad saying "well thanks for your support but fuck you I'm going home anyways" so I'm taking advice and gonna make up some shit story to my friend why I have to stay with him. Just reading what everyone's saying versus what I'm thinking, I feel like he's manipulated the fuck out of me and I'm not thinking straight like damn why don't I have control over my own head. It's weird and I'm feeling like shit but yah I've gotta go because the librarian is about to kill me for stay here this long so yeah wish me luck.