Girl who struggles with OCD/ADHD, abandonment issues here!
WARNING: I DID NOT REALISE HOW LONG IT IS, I GUESS I NEEDED TO VENT THIS. SCROLL DOWN FOR TRDR
When I was a teenager I ALWAYS struggled to have stable relationships with guys. I would tell my friends and everyone that I would break the relationship with guys, when in reality I was dumped every damn time because of my severe anxiety and neediness. I don't blame them though, because no teenage boy is going to be patient enough to date a teenage girl with anxiety issues. It also didn't help that I made some TERRIBLE choices in boys due to the lack of respect and self-esteem. My love life in High School was horrible as well as my choices.
When I was 15 I was dumped by my first High School boyfriend: lets call him Douche. I was stupid enough to let him to things to me, make fun of my friends, then eventually him telling me that he is getting tired of my affections and began to chase another girl in my class named Julie. Douche ends up dumping me for Julie, and I cried my eyes out when he dumped me in school right after he calls out her name and chased after her. Eventually, Julie decided to talk to me about the situation. She apologized about me being hurt and should not let this asshole make me feel this way. Basically, she said that he first began to notice her in a class they had together (Speech.) He began to flirting with her, but she reminded him that 'your girlfriend wouldn't like this.' Then he began to sit next to her on the bus, and walk her to her house almost every school day. She got really annoyed and told her friends to tell him to back off, but went as far as telling her that he would be willing to dump me in front of her to prove to her that he only wants her. Eventually, Douche gave up and left her alone months later. However, another unfortunate heartbreak occurs that makes things out of control and hard for me to handle.
A month after the whole situation blows up, a guy in the group that Douche used to hang out with ends up asking me for my number. Let's call him Robert. Robert was very romantic when he wanted to admit his feelings for me. The group was just a bunch of skaters, and he wanted to look nice for me by combing his hair, wearing a dress shirt and bringing me flowers. He was too nervous to ask me so he made his friends come and hint to me that one of the guys had a crush on me and wanted to get my phone number. I didn't believe them (since Douche used to hang out with them) but eventually the coaxed him into finally coming up to me and giving me the roses and asking me out on a date. I hate to admit it, but it was the best two months of my life: it was my first love. I loved the way he would hold me in his arms tightly enough to hear his heartbeat but gently enough to make me feel like he doesn't want to break something so precious and delicate. The way he would kiss me softly but never made out with me because nothing else in the world made him happier. We would talk for hours on the phone and even talk all night. Loved how he would take me to class on every period and would write letters for me every day. How proud he would be to have me join him and his group of friends and never let go of my hand.
I felt like I could be myself around this guy, and open up to him completely: until I was way too late to realize that I was being too intense & clingy. He began to want more space with his friends. He hesitated taking me to classes and the love letters stopped. Those late night calls turned into avoiding my phone calls and having no replies to my texts. He no longer held me the way he used to hold me, and eventually I realized I would never be able to listen his heart beating again. A week before he broke it off, I was torn up in class. A girl in my class that I would talk to asked if anything was up, lets call her JarJar (she used to walk like JarJar in high school), and I basically told her everything. I told her how much I loved this boy but felt that he no longer felt the same way about me. I felt like he is about to break up with me, and was not ready to have my heart broken by my first love. I cried silently on her as I feared in anticipation of the day Robert would break my heart. The whole week she would ask how I was doing and even remind me I have my whole life to find love.
Eventually that day did come. He broke up with me and admitted that he no longer loved me because he felt like he couldn't breath around me. The thought of being my boyfriend made him anxious and sick to his stomach. I cried a lot during the breakup, but afterwords I hardly cried. I was in shock and just... broken. I had a hard time getting over him and moving on. Then more shit came right at me. First one was my first high school boyfriend. Remember Douche? Well around this time was the time he gave up pursuing Julie, and decided it would be cute to spread a spiteful rumor that I had sex with him and another dude. That he felt uncomfortable but I asked him for it, which is why he broke off with me and why Robert also broke it off with me. Everyone believed him, to the point that my own friends disowned me and I was all alone during a difficult breakup. The second thing is that JarJar, the girl who I thought I can talk to, decides to date him after a month of me break up with Robert even though I made it clear to her I was still not over him weeks after weeks.
I was so fucking devastated because I had my heart broken by a guy I fucking loved, my ex boyfriend spreads a rumor about me having a threesome, I lose my friends and another person who I thought I could trust decides to date the guy who I was still not over with her knowing all of this. I couldn't sleep anymore. Every time I managed to go to sleep I would either have nightmares or dreams about him, in which ended up me waking up in anxiety. All I wanted to do was cry in rage and ruin JarJar and Robert's life. I wanted them dead. My family is very dysfunctional, so I had no one to talk to about this at home. I was depressed for 5 months and I really wished someone was there for me. Eventually I threw myself into extra curriculums, and got over him about 2 years later.
Now I'm 22, need 3 more semesters to finish both my Business Degrees in Accounting and Finance, have a wonderful boyfriend who has been loving, sweet and extremely supportive about my anxiety, and I am doing a lot better dealing with my abandonment issues, and my obsessive/aggressive behavior. Its been nearly a decade since this has happened, and I am a lot more happier with myself. Looking back I never realize before/after the breakup how angry I was with the world. So cynical, scared and rude so people don't find out how boring I really am and decide to stop talking to me all together. I knew I was so attached to Robert because I never received that love and attention before in my life, and had issues with my family.
Douche is now a registered sex offender. In his senior year he was hooking up with freshman and even some girls who were still in 8th grade. I believe he was caught in the sack by an underage girl, and her parents pressed charges on him. JarJar and Robert's relationship lasted two years, but with a lot of issues. He ended up treating her like shit, and eventually she realized he was a loser and broke it off. Robert is a mechanic in the middle of nowhere, and JarJar is in medical school. She eventually did apologize for the shitty thing she did, and I forgave her. And those friends? fuck those people. They were never really my friends. They screwed me over through high school and eventually decided that they were toxic and removed them from my life.
Don't let them Erma and Alex ruin you. You really do have your whole life ahead of you, and they have their entire lives to ruin each other and figure out they're fucked up. Do the things that make you happy and surround yourself with positive people. You're very lucky to have a mom who listens: tell her how much you fucking love her and appreciate the support she's given you. Right know you don't need Erma but you need the people who love and care about you. Continue to get help with these issues, and begin to decide what begin to explore passions you would like in your life that make you feel alive. Fucking block them and remove Erma and Alex out of your life, because you are far more valuable to associate yourself with these people.
Its not the end of the world: you're going to be ok.
TLDR; I dated a douchebag who screwed me over, then fell in love with a guy who fell out of love with me. I ended up having Douchebag spread a nasty rumor about me which made me lose all my friends, and the only person who I could trust ended up dating the guy who I was still in love with. Life has turned out great for me, and have more confidence in myself than ever before. Fuck Erma and Alex, tell your mother you love her, and focus on you getting better and having different passions in your life.Shit will turn out fine.