All I can tell you is I have the same problem with my husband and his mother. 90% of the time I'm no contact with her. I don't respond to texts (they are usually group texts anyway, and hubby responds when he feels he should) and it's fine - he can go to family things and I stay home, obviously I am not going to stop him from seeing his mother, and I'm also not going to let her hurt me.

However, every single year the same thing happens, her birthday comes around. I am then guilt tripped by my husband into going, and it starts everything up again. His family doesn't even acknowledge my birthday but for some reason I have to do everything possible to make hers great? And then I'm guilt tripped into going to everything after that until it goes too far again and I refuse to let her make me feel like shit again, and we start the no contact all over again. Luckily for me, this year her 'niceness' only lasted two days. We were supposed to go away for xmas and do our own thing this year and not let either of our families dictate where we would be. However, after her birthday I asked my husband if he wanted me to see if they wanted to join us for Christmas at the holiday house we rented. He said that would be really nice. Well, she had other ideas and told me we would be having xmas at her place and staying the night. Her place is in the city, it's an apartment and an hour away from us and my bils house. We both have dogs, it's also summer here for xmas and the last thing any of us want is to be stuck inside an apartment all day, and our dogs play a hell of a lot bigger part in our lives than she does, I want to spend time with them on Xmas day as they make me happy and they are a big part of our wee family. I said I was happy to leave for holiday the following day, but we will not be coming into the city, and certainly not for the night, it's simply not possible. So I suggested we have it at bils house if he is open to doing so - which he is - she then told me she was too busy and not in the mood to discuss this. My response was to let her know that we need to book our time away asap so 'it would be wonderful if we could come to a compromise so that everyone is happy asap otherwise we are simply going to have to stick to our original plan of going away for xmas.

The following day, my husband tried to convince her to have it at bils after having spoken to him. We had decided no matter what she wanted we would not be going to her place. She was a complete bitch to him about it as well so he hung up on her. Two days later we got a cherry text from her letting us know we will be having xmas at bils place.

Fact is, I have made it clear to my husband that I will no longer put up with her tantrums and will stand up for myself. I will do it in such a way that I am not rude as I am simply not that person, but I absolutely will not put up with it anymore.

So my suggestion to you, would be to compromise. Allow her to come but let him know if she's rude to you, you're not just going to put up with it and as your husband you expect that he will not allow her to take things out on you and you will face these situations as a team - if he can't do that, can't support you or stop someone from hurting you that he has control over, then I simply wouldn't marry him. We run into this problem at least once a year but I think it's because he forgets how nasty that horrible woman is to me. Once he sees it again he remembers, stands up for me and goes back to supporting me not wanting to be around her. In most cases where it is important to him, I compromise. But the rule will never change that if she is rude to me she is not going to just get away with it. Thankfully the way things have worked out recently, I have stayed calm and rational, I have offered up clear compromises and she has made herself appear selfish, nasty and manipulative - which when witnessed by others, she is told to stop.

So the key here is to stay the rational one and let her look crazy. The more this happens the more likely it is for others to stand up for you when it happens. My sil and bil back me, and so does my husband. The only time they haven't is the one time I lost it at her, and in fact even that time they made a couple of comments to her due to how disgustingly selfish she had been - we had just had a massive earthquake and were meant to go to her place for dinner. Everyone was asked to stay out of the city as glass had fallen from buildings and they were trying to get it sorted. She absolutely forced us to go, and the minute we walked in the door she said 'thanks for coming you guys, I knew you didn't want to leave me here on my own' (I had suggested going somewhere outside of the city for dinner so we were all safe as we were still having fairly large aftershocks) and I lost it. I told her how selfish she was and how disgusting it was that she didn't want to put her children's safety above her need to throw a dinner party - the lifts were out and the building next door had glass everywhere. My mum was horrified and wanted to ring her to tell her to stop acting like a child as she didn't want HER child to be in the city where is wasn't safe - but I also didn't want to be away from my husband either, the last thing we needed was to be split up if there was a further large quake. In any case, that was the very first time I stood up to her, and I haven't stopped since.

You might need to have a moment where you have the chance to stand up for yourself so she knows you are not a push over and it is not okay to treat you the way she does. Don't just let her get away with it, but make it very clear to your bf that this is the way things will be from now on when she is rude to you.

Best of luck, do try to remember it is his mother and he's right, she will always be apart of his life - but get him on board to ensure you are a team and you are able to tackle any inappropriate comments or demands TOGETHER.