I’ve been hating myself feeling like I’m not enough, I work hard 40+ a week just for the bills and essentials for me and my fiancé to eat it all away. Sometimes I spend money knowing it’s going to hurt me just so I can feel like I have some control and can actually do things for myself. It’s a self destructive cycle that I can’t seem to get out of, I know how to but I can’t bring myself to tell her she can’t have good meals and that she needs to quit her dream job because it doesn’t pay enough for her to help me with bills. The debt really makes me want to die most of the time. My fiancé is wonderful she cares for me like no one else and so I feel guilty when I tell her I’m not happy. I try so hard everyday but it feels like it makes no difference. The depression has made me feel lazy and unmotivated recently putting more pressure on her in the home to clean and care for our dogs. I’m overcommitted on an auto loan in an attempt to gain happiness from owning something nice. My mother is struggling and I can’t help her. I’m the oldest male in my nuclear family at 23 and I feel like I have no one to ask what I should do. Therapy might help but I can’t afford it right now and just got dropped off Medicare. Besides even if I do confess how I feel in a medical setting their going to take my guns and they bring me at least some sort of joy, besides I’d never do anything like that anyways. My career is backbreaking and dangerous at times I’m scared I’m going to get hurt and not have a way to pay the bill but I can’t afford health insurance right now, I can hardly afford to feed myself enough to maintain my already low weight. I have hope that things will come around in my favor but damn is it grueling.