Might be long ... I'm a 'crazy ex'. (23m)

Not much of any really. I've never been drunk when I have my 'episodes'. I was at my parent's house cross country for Christmas, haven't drank or done any drugs in like 3 years, and Christmas ended with my mom crying and my dad yelling cause of me. And I have no idea what happened. Nothing was said or done. I just ... broke. Didnt say one word for 3 days, wouldn't open my presents, didn't leave the room I was stayin in. Just sat in bed for no apparent reason and just felt like disappearing into the woods and letting a bear eat me. If anything, I am more 'sane' and less 'crazy' when drunk. Everyone enjoys me when I am drunk. I'm pretty much only ever a happy drunk. Last night was the first time I drank in like 3 years. And its the first time I wasn't a 'happy drunk' and made this post. 2 years if a suicide attempt counts as a relapse. Random ass suicidal urges from hell, fought it as much as I could, lasted 3 weeks, and picked up a drink rather than a bottle of pills. They just wouldn't leave this time.

Ive pretty much been blacklisted from all the therapists in my town. There are 3, and I couldn't get an appointment with any of em if I tried to. Even they can't/don't want to put up with me.

It's more crushing paranoia than anger that causes everything. I, for whatever fuckin reason, thought there was a person hiding in the wall. Wasn't a case of punching shit from anger. From the little time the therapists would see me, they say it sounds like I have temporary psychotic episodes. Bipolar keeps coming up, but my moods don't last long enough to fit that. Its daily flipping everywhere. Not weeks or months long. Meditation dissociates me, unless I'm just doin it wrong. I learned to dissociate when I was a kid. I have nobody to teach me how to do it and not dissociate myself in the process.

I don't want to, I just don't know what to do. If therapists cant/dont even want to deal with my shit long enough to make progress, I'm at a lose.

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