4.
So we are in October 2016 almost a year has passed that I did not have popular saying. My mother is very toxic especially for my health and she tried to contact us and we gave our views.
As for me, I told them I am grateful for all they have done for me, but I clearly need space because in this email 6 pages, all I could feel from them email was hatred rather than love .. she tried to reach us again, and even in his second email multiple pages, so it is unable to say a very authentic "sorry", she always blame some or something outside itself for the way she acted.
She needs a lot of help, but refuses to get because she believes she has all the answers .. she even consultations to help others with their lives, which is absolutely no sense in my head because it not only never apply what it preaches, but lost everyone in her life, which means ... they are not dead .. there is just no contact, for the most part, her choice because she did not have things his own way his sister, his brother, his father, his mother, his children, some of his friends, etc. (By the way & it is not the wicked world are people of great heart) I do not understand how it could be this way with all of them, dragging my father with it)
I thought a lot, I try to heal and I know I do not want my parents to be in my life, they are too toxic .. my father just follow everything my mother wants and turns, I do recognizes more.
When I was asked for my spare key, because I wanted absolutely that they have my key in an emergency, they live very close to me, I can not manage to add another thing to the list I will their "duty" if something happened. Also when I asked to have my baby album back they refused to go, saying it was "their property" even if there were pictures in there that were mine clearly, pictures of my best friends, pictures of me and my husband when we were younger, and I bet they are not even looking for. I wanted it for my future children to be able to see their mother as a baby, but my parents are just too caught up in their own stupidity for having care of my feelings.
I forgot to mention ..when I went to get my key in the hope of getting my album, I refused to go inside to avoid having to run a team I know very well, a team with the rabid speech but that did not stop them ... they verbally attacked me while I was standing outside their door ... they would list everything they have done for me, these lists of things normal that parents who really loves should love their children, without hidden intentions .. it makes no sense to me that my parents keep any trace of what they were supposed to have done for my sake . Lists, endless lists. * The cries, anger, lists.
The last thing that really really disturbed me and I still have not forgiven is when my father handed me the key (spare) to reserve my apartment, he slapped my hand with a * ** very aggressive tone saying "the key here is your" after asking him constantly while he was gasping.
I then went to my car and that is when they were still yelling at me, God knows why. So I embarked on my car and I saw my father come back outside his front door and motioned me back then hoping for the best as I always know I opened the door of my car hoping he came to his senses about me making my album but nope, it was only to recover SA key reserve and more bitching at me. Specifically, saying "Yeah right is going to cry like you always do, good side to do that I responded by saying that they not worth crying about them at this point to my marchabt self. Wow .. but I was hurt broken heart, it is disgusting to treat a child in such a way, there is no excuse. The funny thing is that I do not even think my father think of how what he said hurt me.
I never heard my father is mean to me .. it really stood .. some people think it is because he is stuck between my mother and us, but I still think there no excuse for this behavior. (My brothers also do not speak their, different but similar reasons, one of my brothers a little, but not really)
So at the end of 2015, when these terrible events took place with my parents, I was not so bad, I mean I was depressed for a while and I had my normal anxiety problems but I felt that I survived without drugs, but my bulimic tendencies skyrocketed then, and here is where I realized that for more than 10 years this was a problem but when I finally realized that it was made serious I was seeking help immediately with therapies among others. I'm better now regards that part of me, but it was hard work. sometimes even the thoughts persist, but I decided to try really hard not to proceed with the action.
What really struck me was when a few months ago, I hoped some good news about an operation which I'm waiting for (I'm in pain, so I was really hoping that my doctor was going to say it ' was correct) but unfortunately he told me that there are many more waiting to do ..
This, believe it or not, is really the straw that broke the pot ... this seemed so small compared to everything, but I exploded ... I could not stop crying since that day .. at work at home, I was so worried, my OCD got worse, so I decided to go to the nearest medical clinic health of myself and see what options I had. I wanted to get better.
Then they opened a file with me who took beyond 2 hours to complete, up and down pages by lack of space for all the problems I had .. The social worker gave me limited options. . so I decide to go to group therapy I started in September 2016, as previously mentioned. The group is useful and helps quietly but it does not give me enough help as what my doctor told me.
My Dr. I tried on 3 different medicines and I just continued to get worse, so eventually when I was no longer able to work it put me off work .. For a week he put me on of benzos (meds painkillers) morning and night as needed to be able to run at least a little .. I am even now on benzos (high dose) and I am currently trying a new antidepressant.
But my visit to the Doctor (30th September 2016) was really intense .. he asked me to describe much of what I have just told you in a bit less detail because of the time-limit by patient (but he was very generous with his time that day) ... and what strikes me hard .. what strikes me so hard and breaks my heart is that he says he has no doubts, no that I was PSYCHOLOGICALLY aBUSED ... He said that some people may be beaten, sexually abused etc .. but what I experienced was nevertheless the ABUS. What made me realize that it was actually an abuse, is not that my Dr. said, but what has become so clear to me, in me, hearing it .. that's how I know, and nobody can tell me I'm wrong ... unless they have traveled the same path as me, so please be gentle with your thoughts.
I was a child .. she was the adult.