Hello,

Your story sounds remarkably like mine. Except I lost my father. He went through the same rounds of treatment and we held out the same hope. I took care of him for two and a half years. His last day he was completely out of it, and I collapsed in the other room, weeping because I couldn't bear to hear my father so... out of it. It was as if he was barely there and all that was left of him was the cancer.

Everyone says the pain gets better. It doesn't. The first month or two is easy, after that everyone expects you to resume your normal life. People stop asking you how you're doing, they stop coming around as much. Things move forward but you can't. It stops being surreal and starts being real and you can't handle it.

There were nights I drove around and fantasized putting a gun in my mouth. I've never been suicidal, but I wanted everything to just stop so badly.

There is hope. It gets worse before it gets better, but it does get better. I ended up seeking professional help because I became so apathetic and listless that I had no desire to move forward.

Surround yourself with people who let you scream and cry. Have someone close to you that can handle you talking about her consistently. Talk about her as much as you can. Relive every glorious moment you had with her, remember all the pain too. Feel it all, talk about it as much as possible. She was a wonderful, beautiful person to you. Keep her alive in your words.

Start a memorial fund of some sort. A cause she was passionate about, a charity. I became very involved in cancer research since my dad died. It helps knowing that he and his memory will live on through the works I do in his name.

I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is one of the hardest ways to lose someone. If you ever need someone to talk to, if you want to tell me about her, please feel free to. I would be honored to help you carry her memory.

You are in my thoughts.

Respectfully, Gillian